Lost in the Shadows

Leaving

2006-04-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today will be official last day of my blogging days.
I dun think I want to continue to tell my shit to the world.
Today is enough.

The trouble with my generation is that we all think we're fucking geniuses.Making something isnt good enough for us,and neither is selling something,or teaching something,or even just doing something; we have to be something.
It's our inalienable right,as citizens of the twenty-first century.If Christina Aguilera or Britney or some American Idol or even Singapore Idol jerk(like Sly) can be something,then why cant we?
Where's mine huh?
But having talent is never enough to make us happy is it?
I mean,it should be,because talent is a gift and you should thank God for it but I didnt.It juz pissed me off because I wasnt being paid for it or paid too little.

Oscar Wilde once said,"One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead."
Well,fucking right on,Oscar.My life is full of downs and that wasnt the life that I wanted.Which is why it felt like I could throw it away.
It felt like I'd been walking down a tunnel that was getting narrower and narrower,and darker and darker,and had started shipping water and I was all hunched up and there was a wall of rock in front of me and the only tools I have were my fingernails.

And maybe everyone feels that way at some point of time,but there's no reason to stick with it.My fingernails were all worn away,and the tips of my fingers were shredded up.I couldnt dig anymore.
The only room I had left for self-expression was in checking out my unreal life:I was going to fly off that fucking roof like Superman.Except,of coz,it didnt work out like that.

Some dead people,people who were too sensitive to live: Sylvia Plath,van Gogh,Virginia Woolf,Jackson Pollock,Primo Levi,Kurt Cobain...Some alive people:George W. Bush,Arnold Schwarzenegger,Osama Bin Laden.
Put a cross next to the people you might want to have a drink with,and then see whether they're on the dead side or the alive side.
And yeah,you could point out that I have stacked the deck,that there are people missing from my "alive" list who might fuck up my argument,a few poets and musicians and so on.And you could also point out that Stalin and Hitler werent so great and they're no longer with us.But indulge me anyway.You know what I'm talking about.
Sensitive people find it harder to stick around.

Some days-most days-in school,I want to scream and shout and break things and kill people.Oh,there's anger,right enough.You cant be stuck with a life like this one and not get angry.

How do people like,not curse?
HOw is it possible?There are all these gaps in speech where you just have to put a "fuck".I think the most admirable people in the world are newscasters.If that was me,I'd be like,"And the motherfuckers flew the fucking plane right into the Twin Towers."
How could you not,if you're a human being?
Ok,maybe they're not so admirable.They're like fucking robot zombies.

I dont know you.The only thing I know about you is,you're reading this.I dont know whether you're young or not.I sort of hope you're young and sad.If you're old and happy,I can imagine that you'll maybe smile to yourself when you hear me ranting on about my life.You'll remember abt your younger days and think to yourself.
Oh yes,I can remember how it feels.But you cant,you smug old git.
You cant remember how it feels at all.
Well,fucking shut up then.Stick your smile up your saggy old arse.

To Kc,I have 5 words for you.
I.Know.Everything.About.You.

I'm probable gonna start a private online diary if I find my life too boring after I quit this fucking job tomorrow.But I'm definitely not blogging for those bitches and bastards who are juz too busy finding out about other people's life.
Period.

Tomorrow,I'm gonna start a new life.That is to leave this freaking place and find another job.
I'll probably be jobless for a week before I start my new job.But I dun care seriously.
My 2 priorities are to get well and concentrate on drama.

Everyone's reli shock I'm leaving so fast and suddenly.Something's telling me that they wud probably beg me to stay.
Nah,too late.I'm not.
I heard today,a student cried coz she's sad I'm leaving.
How sweet.
Not.

Last few words.
It's been a while.
I noe I'm gonna miss blogging.
But I'm still happy I'm stopping now.
So yeah,there are many memories here that I will definitely treasure.
I dunno if I should shut this blog down or juz leave it.
I think I will shut it down.Soon.
Farewell.

2nd last

2006-04-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

This is my 2nd last blog entry.After this,that's it for me.I'm shutting this down.
I think I'm all grown up and I dun need strangers to read about my personal life.

die

2006-04-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

I went for a blood test two days ago.The resuls will be sent from the lab today.
I wonder what's wrong with me.

Today,my life is easy.I didnt teach.Well,they cant be bothered,so why should I?
So I juz sat there in those classes and watched them talk,laugh,shout,sleep,play,use hp and have thier backs towards me.

In one class,I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I had tears in my eyes.Then,I left the class quickly.
I care so much about them but they dun give a fark.

my whole neck is aching.What if it's cancerous?
Oh godness,I dun want to die.
I really don't.

unhappy

2006-04-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

I feel so unhappy nowadays.It's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.
I flare up easily.I cry easily.Plus,I get sick often.If I had not taken this job,mayb things wud be different.Less complicated.

Even home doesnt give me happiness anymore.I only hope for a little understanding from her.But all she cares is a good flow of money.She doesnt care that I feel so miserable.She's like "Ya fine,go and find another job".
But when I do find a job,she gave all sort of excuses like too far or small salary.
So seriously,I dont know what she wants.

It's my life.I'm the one feeding the family,so why cant I at least choose what's best for me,not for her?
The sad thing is no one out of trillions of ppl in this world understands how I feel inside,how much I want to be happy.

All this while,I've been doing things for ppl to make them happy.But none for myself.
It's time I stop listening to ppl and do what I want.
Life is too short to be unhappy for long

They bless her when she's frisky

Cried

2006-04-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

My right lumpy neck has been giving me problems today.It's so hurting and sore.
Probably becoz I finished my medication already.From 3 lumps,it has increased to 5 lumps.It seems the injection and the medication didnt even work.
I'm not scared.I'm juz terrified of the operation.
But at least I would be put to sleep.But I'm gonna have to bear with the stitches for awhile I think.From what I heard,the opening of the stitches hurts like hell.
Oh god,what did I do to deserve such a painful sickness?
Why cant it be my students who get it?

Today I left my form class in the 1st period itself.The tears juz flowed when I was in the staff room.I cried becoz I'm sick of them.I cried becoz the lumps hurt like shit.A teacher had to go in the class and talk to them.Not surprisingly,they refused to apologised to me.
Fuck you.
I'm leaving this god damned place soon.
I swear,with all the stress and shouting today,the lumps on my neck have grown bigger.

It's time to visit the doctor and get the operation done ASAP.

I hare it

2006-03-29T16:30:00.000-08:00

Frankly,I dun think sec 1 students are ready to learn stained glass.I know I'm being paid to teach them so I shud juz keep my mouth shut and teach.
But really,every lesson is a new lesson becoz they forget what they learnt the previous lesson.
They do all sorts of things to endanger themselves and others.
And they are super slow.They looked so busy cutting and grinding the glass.But 90mins later,they still are at stage 1.
Bless them.

Seriously,I dunno what these students want.For them,"fair" means they get benefits but the teachers don't.
They think it's fair for them not to hand in thier work and it's not fair that teachers scold them for late work.
And I found out that they complaint to thier parents about the art marking scheme of work.Apparently,the parents said it's not fair that thier children got zero for thier art.And I use harsh words.
Well,darling parents,your children are fuck up kids.They don't care about studies except looking pretty and applying mascara in class.For the boys,they are more concern about exercising thier mouths.They had 10 bloody weeks to complete thier projects.You think your little pumpkins are like angels and it's all the teacher's fault.Wait till you hear what sort of things they do in school.You wud probably be ashamed of them.

I juz think it's bloody,fucking unfair that students and parents blame everything on the teacher.Here I am doing my bestest when I'm being paid so little,and you juz sit there and point fingers.
It's time to bloody well wake up and look whose fault it is.
I can juz give a bloody 24hr notice and I can quit already.For your information,there's a shortage of teachers and they cannot find someone like me who is doing 5 subjects.
Now,it's my turn to say that this is all fucking unfair.
kanina.

I'm now in the process of finding a new school.Seriously,I'm not going to leave this school with a gd impression.And I make sure everyone knows what kind of school this is.

It's so bloody unfair of how they treated Priya.Juz becoz they got someone with a higher qualification,they dismissed her.In other words,juz becoz they cant squeeze anymore services out from Priya,they told her not to come anymore.I can't believe this is how working life in education is.
I know they dun treat me like that becoz I'm an ex-student and I do alot of work.Or else,it cud very well be me next.

And I've juz made a decision.I'm gonna treat the school like how they treated Priya.
Watch out assholes.

I cant stand it here anymore.I hate it here.I hate the students.I hate the teachers.I hate everyone here.

becoz of all the workload,I've been visiting the doctor quite often.Juz yesterday,I had to go for injection becoz of the lump on my right neck.
I should juz quit before I jeopardise my health further.

ARgh.Fuck off.

Psychotic

2006-03-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

I think ppl who refused to tell their names are psychotic.
Or perhaps,they are playing a prank on you.
I think I believe the latter.

I hate the teachers here.There are so many politics and drama going on here.
They dun smile,they are not friendly.If they talk to you,it's becoz they want to know your secrets so that they can tell on you.

Great.So now the VP wants to see all the relief teachers.
Something's telling me it's about Priya.The VP probably thinks that we all blame her for dismissing Priya.
Oh,go ahead and give some lame excuses.
It juz won't change my mind.

Today,I'm going for a job interview.The only thing that's making me stay is the thought that I'm quitting soon.

Mum's bdae

2006-03-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Mum.
I know you don't know this,but I forgot your birthday.I really did for the first time in my life.Blame it on work.I had so much to think.
I only remembered when Yaminah asked me to wish you for her.
I'm guilty,I'm sorry and well,shoot me.
But of coz,I did managed to wish you yesterday.Juz in time.
So it won't hurt that I simply forgot.
*grins*

A lot of things have been hard for my mum and she simply shouldered them and batted on.I may not always get on easily with her-she drives me nuts sometimes-but I admire her more than I can express.
I promise Mum,I'll bring the whole family to somewhere far.Away from Singapore.
I'll save up and we'll migrate to New Zealand.

There are times you remember until you die,these ordinary,unplanned,astonishing, joyful things,these spur-of-the-moment,unexpected things.You remember every word,every gesture,the colour of the lights and curtains and the smell of him,so that for the rest of your life,when you smell it again,you are there and you are the person you were on that day,at that time,thinking what you thought,feeling as you did.These are the times.
I remember looking at him,and thinking,"I love this guy".
I looked at him deeply,wanted to prove that my feelings had been temporary and ridiculous,some sort of delayed emotion related to the end of the performance.I thought,I had been momentarily attracted to him,as anyone might,and had built on the flush of physical feeling to assume I had fallen in love.

But no,the moment,I was in his arms,I knew I felt right,that I'm not going to give up.That I will open his heart one day.

"Hey.Sorry I'm late.I bought you a drink."
How easy momentous words often sounded,how casually spoken a sentence which I would carry with me like a precious object perhaps for a lifetime.

I hope you understand.

helluva

2006-03-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling so miserable.
Miserable coz one of the classes I'm teaching had successfully ruined my mood for the whole month.
Gosh,why am I sticking to this job?
These kids....have made me crammed a dozen vulgarities in one sentence.
I wish I cud say it.But I kept it to myself.

They simply have no manners.
And there's a helluva lot to be gone through.The basic manners.

At times,I get scared of these kids.
For instance,today somone broke the window in front of me.
Next,they'll be killing each other.
I get terrified of them.They say fear evokes 2 responses:fight or flight.
I would do the latter.

And again,I was on the verge of tears.
These emotions I had damned up inside me all these weeks might come bursting through the floodgates in an uncontrollable deluge.

If life seems like a lemon,make lemonade.
I like this advice.

Someone,bless me when I'm frisky.

March hols moods

2006-03-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

Bored.Miss drama.Monday's coming.
Monday means monday blues.I hate it.

I'm poor.Where's my freaking salary?

oh,I forgot.I spent everything.

She has been nice to me.And that's scary.
Makes me feel like she wants something from me,or perhaps,she's planning something nasty.
I wonder.

I don't understand why my minah cousin has to copy everything I do for the past 18yrs.
She has no sense of identity,no fashion sense,no confidence,no nothing.
She absolutely loves to follow everything I do.
God,I hate it.
She lives on the credits of others.
For the last time bitch,stop copying everything I do.
Now buzz of faggot.

I'm happy.Absolutely happy and contented.I don't need you or any other guys for that matter.
Do you hear me guys?
I don't need any of you.
Hah.
Perhaps one day I will take back my words.

I think I should start going for auditions after my acting career in YJC.
Yeah,I should.
I'm gonna start my stained glass soon.First thing first.It's time to contact Naz's bro for the business card.
I'm gonna be rich.
Whahaha.
Hopefully.
Then I'm gonna migrate to New Zealand with my family in a few years' time.
I think Mum needs a new environment to start a new life.

I'm sick of pretending that everything is okay.But I'm not ready to tell the whole world.I admit,I'm still embarrased about it and I envy those who have what I dont.
No,I'm not talking about virginty.
Far from that.
I guess,some things take time.Mayb one day,I wont be embarassed to tell everyone.

I wish I could start studying now.
I hate working and finding money.

To coco,I'm not sorry for what I did.I'm not sorry for all the things I said that day.I know I was right to say those things coz you deserve it.And I'm glad I finally had the courage to say what I dont like about you.
Coz I had enough of your attitude.You dont need to say sorry.Admitting it is enuff for me.I know I've been totally stupid for these 2yrs.But I'm all grown up now.I dont wanna pretend anymore,I dun want to act dumb.I've learnt.I pick up on things.
And now I realised that its time you listen to me.
Coz right now,I have more common sense than you.

Someone,bless me when I'm frisky.

cant be bothered

2006-03-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna apply for psychology in NUS soon.Well,it's hard to get in but I'm gonna apply anyway.

There is a hot new relief teacher here.He juz got back from his studies in Australia.
*Melts*
I bet even the kids are drooling.

My new bed is arriving today.For the past 2weeks,I've been giving my room different types of 'plastic surgery'.
It's gonna be ready soon.
I wanted my room to be sweet but at the same time,it has to show that I've grown and stepped out from my child-like world.
I think it's gonna be splendid.

I've been sick for the past few days.I mean,I get sick every 2weeks.When the stress level is high,I get sick.
I'm still thinking of quitting my job.
And,I burst into tears for the second time in school.
This nerdy student scolded and shouted at me in front of many students who watched us all the way and in front of 3 teachers who did nothing to help me.
I was definitely pissed off too.

Argh.I juz cant be bothered anymore.
About all of things.

alevels

2006-02-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday.
Dumped everything all over the place.
Turned down Swensons outing.
Cancelled tuition.
Ate potato chips and did a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle.
God,I must be crazy.
And dinner time,I felt like I'm eating the last meal of my life.

Today.
Everyone asked if I was ok.
I'm fine really,I replied.
But they all said I looked different today.
And I thought,yeah,I'm dying in awhile.
Even my irritating good friend is refusing to tease me as usual.

So everyone knows.A levels results are coming out today.
To be exact,another 2hrs and 20mins.
I cant believe I'm nearing my doom already.
And biting my lips hurts alot.
But that's the only way to stop myself from crying.

Busssssy

2006-02-22T00:41:00.000-08:00

Let's make it short n sweet.
First n foremost,I apologise for not updating becoz my students have kept me busy for weeks long.

I've been running up n down,here n there,chasing students for late work but they dun give a f***ing care.
Been also keying in marks for all the 5 subjects I'm teaching.
It's a tough job I muz say.
Students are still in a hyper mood,cant keep them sitted down for long.
As usual,I have students calling me stupid.
There goes an offence form for them.

I decided I'm not going to quit.I mean a gerl got to have money to shop right?
So yeah,I've made a complain abt the heavy workload I have and they are decresing it by 20% which is ntg much.
But the fun part that's keeping me in this school is my colleques,those who are ard my age.
We are having a gala time here gossiping abt other teachers.
And boy,there are so many juicy drama in the office.
I juz got scolded by a total stranger who called the staff room to speak to a teacher.He used vulgarities all the way like,"Where is the mother f***er?Call him now."
So it seems that he is a loanshark n some idiotic teacher owed him some money.
Bleargh.
So much drama.And the irritating part was the teacher was hiding in the corner of the room.
Argh.

I've been really tired.
Rush to work.
Rush back home.
Do marking.
Plan lessons for 5 different subjects.
Give tuition.
Print this,print that.
Set test papers.
drama rehearsals twice a week.

I seriously got to drop everything and take a moment to breathe.
I want to watch a movie!!!
And bloody hell,I've got no time for it.

I'm starting to enjoy drama bit by bit in the sense that we are slowing improving.
At first,it's so hard to act with Ian chan coz we are always bursting into laughter when we forgot our lines or when we have to look into each other's eyes.Now it's better coz Mr Spencer is slowly seeing the chemistry between us.I admit,the chemistry is not as strong as it was when I acted with Nash,but still,there's chemistry.
So yeah.
And I admit,even at this point of time,I'm not really used to the new drama club.Most of the old crowd has left.Even Joey has sort of left.She's only staying to sing,but not to act.I try so hard to fit in but I cant and I wont bother.And I'm still doing drama becoz Of Spencer.If it weren't for him,I wud have left.
Coz there are ppl...or shud I say a particular someone,that keeps attacking me for no reason.It juz spoils my mood for the day whenever the person is there.

I dun want to have enemies.I tried to be nice to her.Many times.But she seems to hate me so much.So I'm not gonna bother trying hard anymore.Let it be.

My students have been asking for my number.
An that is so pathetic.

Oh John

2006-02-09T00:05:00.000-08:00

Read it with feeling.

Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.

This is what you get when you play with words.
Gosh,I find it so f***ing hilarious.

YJC's bitch

2006-02-08T16:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I'm still here.
I should have left long ago.Oh wells,I'm leaving soon anyway.
I wonder what they'll do when I leave.They would probably drag me by my hair if I leave.

I'm super duper sick with a block nose and a husky voice.If I wasn't thinking of the money,I wouldn't have come to work.
And I'm sick not because of the weather.But becoz of too much stress.It always happen.

Seriously,I've got nothing to say except maybe to hell with all the students.

*shows two middle fingers*
That's for the YJC principal.
You know,I know.I'm not gonna mention how selfish you are here coz I still respect one of my teachers.So it'll juz be between 3 of us.
Argh,stupid bitch.

So many ppl asked me if I'm going to Values Day.
Yes,peeps,I'm going.And I hope I don't see that old bitch.

Discipline

2006-02-06T23:53:00.000-08:00

Life has been sucky for the past week.Or shud I say my teaching life.
So much workload and so little time.I mean what was I thinking when I signed up for this job?
I mean,I'm carrying as much workload as the permanent teachers and I get paid way lesser than them.
And I really mean alot.5 subjects are alot.In 2 weeks' time,I have to give an enrichment course to them,which is Stained Glass.How is a person suppose to take all that crap?
And worse thing,the students are giving the attitude.Last week I had this discipline case with the sec 4 express students because I caught them gambling in class and open defiance to a teacher:me.
I guess I juz packed my stuff and left the class half way(I juz went in to relief,not teach).I couldnt control them anymore.I know I shudnt have done that coz that's showing that I'm weak and not in control.
But if I had stayed longer,I knew I would have ended up in tears.

And yesterday my sec1 home econs student was pissed off at his friend for cutting the queue to get the food ingredients.So he got angry and went to his table.I called him back coz I wanted to give the ingredient to him and he shouted at me,"Shut up ah!!"
That got him an offence form.Now I'm told to get comments about his behaviour from his other subject teachers.I was told if we have a case,we can kick him out anytime.

Wow.Getting kick out?That's abit too much.For me,punishments will do.But apparently,alot of teachers are not happy.

So much workload.Many difficult students.
I don't think I can handle it anymore.
I'm thinking of quitting and transferring to another school.
But I think it would be mean.Coz,if I go,who's gonna take my 5 subjects?
Plus,this school is my alma mater.

Gosh I dunno.
Stress level is getting worse.I got sick during weekends becoz of that.
38 degrees and shivering like hell in bed.
That's not somthing nice.

Defiance

2006-02-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

I cant remember the last time I get to breathe easily.
It was juz all a blur.A mad rush.

One thing,I left all the workload in school on Friday n rushed off to Malaysia.
There was the Chinese New Yr celebrations on friday.My sec 1T form class won 1st prize for the classroom decorations.
Obviously,it was all my idea and hard work.
*pats back*
Ohh...they are so cute.

Then,off I went to malaysia for 4 days,leaving all my work in the office.
Had lots of fun with my relatives.There were 4 cars going.
I think our favourite phrase of the vacation was "Ishhh....takde lah"
Ok,it cracked us all up.Dunno who came up with that.
Bought many many stuffs.The list is long.

Came back to sch on wed and got the shock of my life.
There were loads of marking to do and lessons to plan.
I mean,why didnt I notice before I left?

Today,I cracked up.With tears.
F***ing morons.I juz so anti the sec4 express students in the school.
Juz becoz I caught them gambling in the class,they said I didnt respect them.
And they were defiant to me....so what's that called?Respect?
They insulted me indirectly too.
Make faces behind me.Or should I say in front of me even.
Curse me under their breath.
They are so f***ing lucky that I didnt give beta record for the whole lot of them.

I swear I will never step into that class ever again.I've had enuff.
Of thier shit.This is not the freaking 1st time.
Now I feel like leaving the teaching profession.
But Im still staying becoz of the few students who still need me.

Oh god,bless me.

Death

2006-01-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

Had a gd screaming exercise juz now.
Sec 4 express drives me up the wall.Cant keep their hands to themselves,keep touching the opposite sex.

I think,today I may have made a small difference to the life of one of my students.I mean,she's like one of the hard cases kind of student who refuses to listen to teacher,defiant and stuff.
I found out that I'm quite good at counselling.
*smiles*

Whatever it is,before I leave this school,I want to make a difference to the lives of my students.It can be one student,or two perhaps.It can be a small or big difference.Watever it is,it doesnt matter as long as there is a difference.

Today,I heard the death of another relative.
I dun think I can deal with anymore deaths.
I had enough.

My Cousin
People never knew just how much she meant to me and you
They knew her by name, but it's still not the same

Her eyes so bright, her smile so wide
We always let her know we were right there by her side

Now she's gone from me and you
Now we have no reason to be blue

We loved her, she loved us
And we have to try not to fuss

It's time to say goodbye
Now all we can do is reminis

Why does God take the best to love
Up to that great big world up above?

Her memory will never leave
Her kind and gentle smile will always be seen

May you rest in peace

Monday blues

2006-01-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

*sigh*
A day of teaching has ended.
And what a relief.
My kids are super duper hyper today.I wonder...haven't they heard of Monday Blues before?
Perhaps no.The way they're behaving,it seems like there is no tomorrow.

oh,but what a fun batch they are.Totally cute.I think I mentioned that before already.
Today I had to teach 2.5hrs of Project work.My god.I thought PW was so over for me after my JC1.Now I have to teach it.And the funny thing is,the sec3's PW is almost like the JC1's PW.
*yawns*

Then I had to teach my sec 1 home econs class for 1.5hrs.
And now,I'm having sorethroat.

Today's my pay day.I cant wait.This friday,I'm off to m'sia for 4 days.Shopping,shopping,here I come!

I juz received a phone call from sis telling me my tution kid is at home waiting for me.
Gosh,I juz forgot I have tuition today.
I mean a minute ago,I remembered.Now I dont.
Really,I'm beginning to sound as forgetful as a teacher.
bleargh.

I havent had much to say.Probably coz my head is too full of infor that I cant seem to sort them out.
Oh wells...maybe next time.

Oh yes,one more thing,special mention to Farhan who has become my fren.
hahas to you dude.

Werking Life

2006-01-19T20:20:00.000-08:00

Werking life has proven to be challenging.Now I now how in feels like to be in my teacher's shoes.
I enjoy my werking life.I made new frens like Priya who is a great debater from Serangoon JC.I met up with old classmates like Joey,Timothy and even Othniel.And for once,I'm allowed to call my teachers by thier names.
It's great being back here in Northbrooks Sec.It brought so many memories for me.

The students I have are really great.But there are the exceptional cases where I feel like saying f*** off.I'm teaching Home Econs to Sec 1F and 1T,art to sec 2A and 2B,Lit to sec 2C,Project work to Sec 3C and 3D,english to sec 1F.
My co-form class is sec 1T.

I juz love my sec 1 classes.They are so cute.My neighbour,Khairul,sec 1F,is also here and I have the fortune to teach him and a few teachers have mentioned that he's so cute.

My sec 1 classes are always full of energy whenever I teach them.Totally hyper.At times,its hard to control thier mouth.But when it comes to serious teaching,they're always listening eagerly.GOd,I love them.
But of coz,as a relief teacher,I still need to go to other classes for relief duty when their teacher is absent.
That's what I drag most coz they are in upper sec and our age difference is not much and they cant see me as a teacher which means they never listen to me.
Currently,I'm having a sore throat becoz of much shouting in class.

So basically,I enjoy interacting with my students but I dun reli like to teach.I mean its ok but I will never be a permanent teacher.
And the pay's good.haha.

On top of teaching and giving tuition,planning my 5 different subjects,drama rehearsals at YJC and CCA duty here,I dun have much time for myself.I dun mind,coz I'm reli dedicated to my job and being busy means you dun have time to face your problems.

And it's good to be back in YJC for drama rehearsals.Well,Antony & Cleopatra's play is still on and the performance is in MAy this yr.Some of the old crowd are still there but most are new memebers.I mean they're fine ppl.Except for one stupid cow that keeps attacking me for no reason.I mean,there I was for my rehearsals,and then she started attacking me with her words.Everyone noticed her coldness and they asked me what she has against me.I swear I dunno her personally.Which means I have no reason to hate her.So why does she hate me so much?
There were talks abt her of coz.Some said that she's pissed that I got the Cleopatra's role coz she's jealous that I'm acting so close to Ian Chan.Well,he's the new antony.So in other words,she likes Ian and cant get the fact that I'm acting wit him.That's pathetic.

I havent got my pay yet but I'm shopping like shit.I still owe my mum $90.

I'm still missing him alot.I've tried to forget him but I cant.He's in NS now.And that makes it all worse.

updates

2005-12-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

Now that my uniform education is over,I'm bored stiff at home.
Work for me is starting officially next year when school reopens.
And I'll be called MS BAIZURAH.I'm still freaking out at being a relief teacher.
Relief teacher?
*groans*

All right,I gotta do some updates of my life.....let's see.

What's the last thing I blogged?Prom night.
Oh,that's the bestest thing that could ever happen to me.
I got nominated as Prom Queen,which is sumthing I'm not really enthu about.I mean I didnt go there to win anything.Getting nominated is one thing,getting the 8th prize for the lucky draw is another thing.I won a laptop bag(how I wish it was a laptop) and a sweater which horribly looks like a male sweater.

But I think the highlight of the day would be my confession.
I don't know if you're reading this or any your friends,but I want to say that I havent given up on you.I may well have dated other guys but the reason for doing so is to forget you but apparently,I cant.
I think of you day and night,wishing that you're here.I know things between us is near impossible at this point of time.
But I'll work my ass to get you one day.

After prom,there was the clubbing part at Cheeky Monkeys.It was a total blast.Danced with a hot guyfriend,who later on our date,proved to be a total good-for-nothing,two-timed bastard.I shall not say his name here coz I do still treat him as a friend.
My all time favourite guyfriend from northbrooks sec,Jeremy,fetched me after that and also sent Azian and Hakeem home.So sweet.

Few days later,I went to KL and Melaka for 4days.It was ok,not entirely the best holiday I had,keeping in mind that hell broke loose during the holiday.

Then I had barbeQ a few days later.A barbeQ with all the art freaks to say farewell to our lovely art teacher,Ms Lee,who by now,has migrated to New Zealand.
Then,I had a movie date on the same day.That guy and I watched The Descent.Quite a great movie.
The following week,I went to Esplanade with 2 of my cousins and their boyfriends.For my date,I brought my best friend along who acted like my boyfriend for the day.Totally sweet.I miss you so much Theinesh.

The next following days,I went to update my passport photo and my cousin zahra slept over my house for about 4 days.Then I went to another cousin's house to help out.

On top of all of that,I still had time to attend my drama rehearsals.
Yes peeps,whether you like it or not,"antony &cleopatra" has started again.The performance for yjc's anniversary is in may 2006.We'll do a public performance in 2007.
Who's the cleo?Me.Again.
Antony?Ian Chan.
Iras?Joey.again.
Charmian?Thanesh.Ely.
Octavia?Shubpreet.again.
The rest of the characters are not confirmed yet.
The funny thing was,I was happy that a particular person is not in drama anymore.But now,another person comes in and she has proved to be a total bitch.Which makes me want to have the old bitch back.
Maybe it's juz me I think.I've been really nice to her but she keeps giving me the cold shoulders and being so mean.I cant do my acting if she's always there staring at me like she wants to gobble me up.But someone told me that whenever she's with Ian,she'll be flirting ard.
That got me thinking.Perhaps,she likes Ian Chan and she's juz bitter that I'm acting with Ian.That's right,that's probably the reason why.The thing is she's only mean to me,not the rest.And I havent done a single mean thing to her coz I dun even know her until she came for drama rehearsals.
Stupid bitch.

Kak Ain is getting married on Christmas Day.I cant wait to be kendarat.

I'll be $450 richer at the end of this year.$300 from Bursary and $150 from Eagles.
Yeah.

I've been thinking....I think I wanna shut this blog forever.Or maybe I shud start a new one,which no one in yjc knows about.

I think I've said alot of things.It's time to shut up.
God knows when will be the next time I blog.

One more thing.I'm so in love with my neighbour's daughter.
I love you Ika.Very very muchos.

fat

2005-11-25T10:40:00.000-08:00

Dun think I dont know who you are,you freaking bitch.
If I'm so fucking fat like what you assumed,then...is that a problem?
If I'm fat,wudnt it be my problem,not yours?
I'm totally honoured that you care about me so much that it has become your problem too.
Thanks but no thanks.I dun need someone like you to care so much about me.So I suggest you stay out of my business.And my blog.
And yeah another thing.It takes a really fat asshole to recognise someone who's fat.

Harry Potter

2005-11-23T10:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged.
Frankly,I'm not really into blogging anymore and telling the whole world how's my life been.
Stupid nonsense.

Life has been a hell.It's all about going out and going out.
Caught Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on the 3rd day of release thanks to Eeeduh's parents who got free tickets.

How's the movie?Ok,besides the fact that cedric Diggory is so bloody cute and hot,Harry and Ron has muscles,Draco Malfoy looked so blondish evil and cute....well,besides all that,the movie was a disappointment.

Take it from me...a person who collects all Harry Potter's books,all 6 of them and waiting for the 7th and final book next year.I've read each book at least 4 times without getting sick of it.I know almost every line in the book and every event.
Ok,so the movie is abt 2hr30min.But still that's not enuff to cover everything.
I mean,I saw many loop holes and some characters were not even in the movie.
An important one would be Winky the house-elf.That creature plays an imporatant role in shaping the plot and getting Hermione to start an association to protect the rights of house-elfs.
Basically,it's all about actions becoz of the Triwizard Tournament.But it's ok lah.Maybe I juz expected more.
The first 3 books were a no problem coz the books are not thick.But I understand that to include all the events in the fourth one would be an impossible task.

But I still think it's a waste of money for those who do not ready Harry Potter books or who reads only the fourth one.
Then I suggest you get a pirated vcd and watch it at home.

Finally,I got my Prom Night dress.omg.It was a total bargain.
And I love my dress.
Ah....dress to kill babe.

Make up

2005-11-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

Time to lose those extra flesh that has piling since Hari Raya.
Time for Prom Night dress measurements this sunday.
Work it out baby.

Last time I saw him,I didnt cry.
I juz bit on my lips.
One day later,I dreamt of him.

There's really nothing to do at home.Except maybe my art.
I dunno why but I just joined the makeup crew for drama in Yishun Primary School.
That's my sis' and bro's school.
The have this drama performace at Jubilee Hall,Raffles Hotel between 24-27th Nov.
I may not be a professional at doing makeup,but I know enuff to say that some of the makeup ppl(god knows who they are) are doing it all wrong.I'm a drama person myself,I know how much and how you shud put your on makeup under different lightings.
And these stupid old aunties and amahs,plus the teachers are doing it all wrong.
Plus,how wud you feel if you did a perfectly nice makeup for the Snow Fairy character(that wud get thumbs up from makeup artists) and discover that some idiots did touch up on it that makes your Snow Fairy looked like she got punched on the eyes and she has eye bags that is made up of glitters???
Of coz,I am mad.Fucking mad in fact.
You put glitter beside the eyes,not "under" the eyes you stupid goons.

I barely said anything after that.And they keep touching up the makeup.What ever for?It's only a rehearsal.There's so little makeup and they practically used up everything.And the students have 3 days of performance.

God save them.

And what made me more mad was,I saw a YJC student.A JC1 in fact.
She was also doing the makeup.Problem is,she's doing the touch up.
She and her group of Indian aunties/friends are doing touching up on some faces that has makeup already.
As my mum puts it,they are turning "the cute little malay boys into Pretty little Indian Girls".
My mum said they are doing the makeup as if they're doing it on indian dances.
My god.Bless them.
I can tell my mum is pissed,the other parents are also pissed.
Well,I'm pissed too.

breathe

2005-11-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ok.I think I can afford to take a step back now and breathe.
My last ever a'level paper is art and that's only in 17 days' time.
I think I shud get some sleep and start feeling depress about my maths and wake up.
Which is sumthing I've been doing since yesterday.I juz slept and stare at the ceiling most of the time.My hunger for food also disappears.

I've never had this feeling before,not even for boyfriend problems.
The feeling of giving up and profound sadness.

give up

2005-11-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

Maybe I shud juz quit school now and start learning how to cook.
The pathway to university seemed to be darkened already.
The thought of failing maths keeps coming back to haunt my mind.
Yes,maybe I shud try learning how to cook.
And marry a rich husband.
So that I dun have to give a damn about studies.
Yes,it settles then.

Parting of ways

2005-11-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

This year's fasting month proved to be very challenging for me.
3 days off becoz of sore eyes.7 days off becoz of period.4 days off becoz of stomach wind and headache.
Few days after Hari Raya,I had diarrhoea the whole day plus that awful stomachache.
And the funny thing was,I wasnt the only one.Nearly 10 of my relatives had diarrhoea on the same day becoz of the food we ate the previous day.
All day,we took turns going to the toilet to shit at every house we visited.
And I seemed to be shitting at practically every house.My case was the worse coz probably I juz recovered from stomach wind where it grips your stomach and gives you frequent headaches.

I admit I'm weak.

I had fun going 'jalan raye' with my relatives.Especially the money part.ooohhh...
I neglected my maths for awhile but went back to track 2 days before the paper.
I think the paper today was ok.I think I can manage a B-grade.

Sometimes,I juz dun understand ppl.I dun understand why there is so much hatred and jealousy in this world.
Seriously,no one wins,no one loses.
Juz grow up ppl.
I have put all these behind me years ago.And I think it's time you do the same thing.

I like being alone.It's ok if I dun have friends.
Ppl equals to drama.Too much drama equals to problems.Problems equals to stress.
It cant be denied that as you go thru life,there are some things that are juz not meant to be,that you have to leave some things behind.I know that there are some close friends that I have to apologise to,because I feel that we're starting to drift apart.Maybe it's becoz of our differences,maybe we changed.I changed,you changed.But what's important to me are friends who are always there,who are true to me and most importantly,they are true to themselves.if they're not,then they will always be fake in other ppl's eyes.

I cant have friends who seem so self-centred and fake.It's something that I cant bring myself to like or accept.
And here you are,smiling and laughing and faking,and I'm juz disgusted by what I see.And sometimes you rather support other friends than your own close friends.
Slowly,I can see that I'm no longer needed in the group,that you guys can get along fine without me.
And I'm totally ok with it.Coz even when I'm in it,I always get the cold shoulders that I have long endured.

I think it's time for the parting of ways.But dun worry,we can still go out and keep in touch,but dun ever expect me to feel the same way again.
Life changes.And ppl move on.

Aches

2005-10-31T17:40:00.000-08:00

Life juz sucks when you have a splitting headache that makes you feel like you wanna crack it open into half like an egg.
And it sucks even more when you feel like rolling on the floor whenever your stomachache comes back every few minutes.
It's juz so bad that I feel like throwing up.
And it sucks more and more when you know it's not the normal stomachache and Hari Raya is coming.
Geez.Kill me.

And I dun even want to talk about my Malay A levels.
Full stop.

Feeling ok

2005-10-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

When something terrible happens and you're in the middle of it,you really feel like you're never going to be the same again.You feel like everyday of your life from now will have about it the same dull greyness.
Sometimes you feel like you'll never smile again.Then of coz,the day arrives when the anger and bitterness are not as intense as they were the day before,and eventually the catastrophe seems like a distant memory from some other lifetime.

You begin to feel...ok.Not great,not good,but not bad either.You can laugh without feeling guilty.You can smile without wanting to cry.

And I feel fine.Life has made me into a stronger person.And I'm going to live up to that.
4 yrs come and go.History repaets itself.And once again I made that stupid mistake.
But I'm not angry.Maybe I was expecting this.I know ppl take a long long time to change.
Once again,I have another memory to carry ard with me like a heavy load.
Thanks Riff.Thank you for everything.I hope you're happy now.

sore eyes + msg

2005-10-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

For 4 days,I had the freaking sore eyes.
Maybe it's a punishment for going out on Thursday to geylang with Zahra,Shiqin,Adnan and Asyraf.But it was fun alright.
Anyway,upon reaching home,my eyes started to twitch and I was stupid enuff to rub it like countless of times right till I fall asleep.
Next day,I cud barely see with my left eyes.It grew to the size of a golf ball,reducing the size of my eyes.Plus,it was bloodshot.I almost believed I was bleeding from my eyes.
Then I had the freaking fever and bodyache.
Last wednesday,sis got sore eyes.Thursday night I got it.Saturday morning,mum got it.Sunday morning,bro got it.

So imagine a family with retarded swollen red eyes.We each admired each other's eyes and laughed at the person who got the worse case of sore eyes.
And that wud be me.
Instead of one eye,both eyes got infected.And they swelled up.I did ntg for 3 days except to take my medication every 2hrs and sleeping in between.
There goes 4 days of my fasting month.

Imagine how bored I was at home.
I must have been so bored that I started talking to my brother abt my period.He was skecthing a portrait of me and he asked me how long is my period,which means how long I was not able to fast.
Then we talked abt how I know when my period is coming.
It made me realized how fast my brother is maturing.
Too fast actually,considering that he's only 7.

Everytime I walked past his house,seeing him there,not caring if I was there,hurts me.
For the first time,coco is wrong.
I'm not jealous.Coz I'm prepared to let Riff go.
I dun care anymore.I dun care if I dun talk to him.I dun care if I see him.
And that's the kind of reaction you get from a girl who has juz given up hope.

I get this weird feeling whenever I think of leaving YJC.
I mean,they failed miserably in instilling this homely YJC feeling in me,no doubt.
But there are a few memories that I will treasure when I leave YJC.
I never imagined that I wud be here,waiting for my alevels.In the meantime,I've already graduated and got a cert.
But...gosh,I dunno,I juz feel sort of weird.

~DRAMA~
One thing that I will remember abt YJC is drama.That's where I learnt so much from spencer.He made me a better person and also a better actress.He believed in me when no one else did.Not even my friends who reminded me countless of times that I wasnt good.Spencer never did that.He gave me the support that not even my closest friends can give.He taught me how to push away negative comments.He said it doesnt matter what the few said.What matters is what the brainys said.Only listen to those who understands the play and know how to rate a person.
And seriously,that is a really good piece of advice.

~ART FREAKS~
Oh these are the ppl who juz light up my world.
I dunno...but it seems that art ppl are crazy ppl.
You guys helped me and the rest of JC2s alot even tho' we sometimes...make that many times...well,we always scold you for messing up our place.But you can always do that to the next batch of students,yeah?
But thanks for the many countless laughter.
Special mention to mf....who...reminds me of myself....no,not physically(haha) but the way we think.
It's really superb gossiping and thinking of ways to kill and wipe out the generation of evil-doers like the mamasans.You make me feel like it doesnt matter how many ppl hate me coz I know I still have you.I know,we've been thru alot coz we somehow attracted certain ppl to hate us because of the way we think.We're juz too blunt for our own good.
And that's why I like you alot.I dun like ppl who thinks so much of what other ppl thinks of them.It sucks really coz it limits the things you want to do.
Remember the first time we became close?You sort of told me the truth of how someone thinks of me.And for me,that was a brave thing to do and I have taken a liking towards you since.Well,I know I heard so many things abt you,nasty things that is.But who cares?I dun judge ppl by what others say or think like what many of YJcians do.
And I'm glad I made the right decision coz I found a friend in you.
Remember those times in geog lectures?We managed to make full use of the time by blaming it on the teachers for our lack of understanding?
Well,I'm glad we dropped it at the same time.Like haha,thank god,save us from all the trouble of eventing some fake land processes during our exams.
You know,I miss all those times with you.All those weird waving goodbye signs...the one that you sort of tilt your head to one side with this pathetic look on your face?
Yeah,that one.That is cool.
wow,I cant possibly write down all those moments you know.We have alot.
But...you know,I know.And we'll always treasure them.
I love you and you love me.
And that's all that matters.

Hmmm....I think today's entry is long enuff.I shall thank other ppl on some other days.

I'm sure many are glad that I'm leaving YJC.That they dun see me anymore.
I know.Elated right?
Well,I feel the same way too that I'm leaving.

Graduation Ceremony

2005-10-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the second day that the dance studio was opened,exhibiting the works of this year's 6 JC2s A'levels coursework.
All the classmates of my other 5 art friends came down.But none of mine came.
Not that I'm surprised.I wasnt expecting much.They're juz being normal by ignoring me and getting themselves busy with their own lives.No one has ever listened to me even tho' I'm their CT rep.
And when they dunno what's happening,they get pissed coz I was pissed.Like as it's my fault.
So anyway,my pleas of "visit my artwork" were ignored.
None came,not even close friends.
But as I said,I dun care.
I"m juz so glad that Spencer came.He made my day.
Today after graduation ceremony,dance studio will be opened till 7pm for the last time.I'm not planning to stay long.Juz cant be bothered to explain my coursework all over again.I'll bring my mum ard for awhile and I think we'll head home shortly after.

I wanna leave YJC ASAP.
Maybe it's not YJC I'm leaving,maybe it's the ppl in it.
The ppl who are juz too plastic.

Anyway,I'm planning to ignore YOU for as long as I could.
I dun like liers.

Happy Graduation to me.
12 Oct 2005.

Pissed at friends

2005-10-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that tomorrow's Graduation Ceremony will mark the last day of school in YJC.
Thank god it's so over.
Coz seriously,I'm damn pissed off lately even tho' it's fasting month.
I dun understand why they have to be so mean to me.It's like your own friends suddenly are against you.
Every single ****ing thing I say will be countered back.
And suddenly,I feel like I dun have friends anymore.
Not that it matters.
Coz,after I leave YJC,I wudnt want to remember anyone....except maybe mf and Spencer.
And maybe some other peeps.Like the art freaks gang.
That's all.The rest...screw you.

I think it's time I be honest.I dun like pretending that things are so fine between me and my classmates.It's not.
But anyway,thanks alot.
*rolls eyes*
I juz hope I dun see any one of them again.
If any one of you are reading this,well,sorry but I can be too blunt at times.
If you dun like what you read,then get lost.
Ok maybe,some of you are nice...so you may not want to take my words seriously.
But those who are super mean to me,you know who you are.
Think carefully of the times we had,before calling yourself "my friend".

I dun need friends.
I juz need eeeduh,jas,novi,coco,riff,theinesh and I'll be fine.
Really.

Disappointment

2005-10-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

I'm suffering from severe disappointment.
And I cud kill myself for that.
*stabs heart*

Of coz,I dun matter anymore.
Not to you.Not to anyone.

Stained Glass Photos

2005-10-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

Finally,my Stained Glass photos are out.
That is,my A'levels art coursework(Paper1).
The examiners came down to mark our coursework on wednesday,5 Oct.And my other 5 art friends and I will be getting our grade only next yr with the other grades.We still have paper 2 to battle with on 28th Nov.

Anyway,these are my completed project photos.For those who dun know,I did Stained Glass for my coursework and made it into a dressing table.(called Vanity Chess)
Basically,it's abt the 3 stages that women go thru in life:
Innocence,Initiation & Emancipation.
(1)Innocence~before marriage,where you are being sheltered.The hair and the arabic words on her chest symbolises the boundary that she shud not cross becoz of her beliefs and traditions.In other words,it's that virgin period.
(2)Initiation~the biggest template becoz it's the most important event in a woman's life.It's abt wilderness.If you look closely,the woman is standing in between a vagina.In other words,this template shows sexual intercourse.
(3)Emancipation~abt freedom and happiness.Abt the joy of being pregnant.If you cover the top part,you can see the butt.If you cut the template into half,you can see 2 pregnant women.

So,feel free to comment on these photos.I greatly appreciate it.

My 1st template(Initiation)

My 3rd template(Emancipation)

The Vanity Chess

The side view(other works in the backgrd)

The candles on the dressing table

Right-hand side of my dressing table:The hand mirror n the box have designs made by Mucha on it(I doubt anyone noe who is Mucha).The candles actually have designs on them.I have to thank the JC1s for helping me paint.

Left-hand side:My childhood photos to represent me.To remind me that one day I have to go thru the 2nd n 3rd process.

The "tadpoles":If you see clearly,those wire thingy is actually sperms.I made it on the last day n managed to finish it.

Seriously,I'm very proud of myself.
Anyway,on YJC's Graduation Ceremony which is on 12 Oct,next wednesday,the dance studio will be opened to the whole school and the public.
So if you want to see the real thing,juz come down and see my work n the rest.
It'll be a great experience,trust me.
*winks*

screw

2005-10-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

Screw everyone.

This Kiss

2005-10-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

we stood in the lift
his hands on my waist
my heart beating loudly
almost in haste

he moved in closer
his eyes locked in mine
I long for his kiss
For just a moment in time

his lips meet mine
and I feel the sensation
no longer must I wait
to give into the sweet temptation

my knees go weak
my palms become sweaty
I go back to that place
I have been so many times already

the world disappears
all that's left is me and him
and as we pull away
I feel as though I could fly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Selamat berpuasa kpd yg berpuasa.
Yg tidak berpuasa,Merry Christmas.

To the Kid from Hell who is staying in my house until friday,
one more wrong move and I swear I'll throw you out of my window.Ok,maybe he's only 2yrs 8mths old,but so what.I've had enuff.
The things he did to me within 30min can last me for the rest of my life.
~He threw the bandung packet drink at me even before I cud step into the house.
~He pour the bandung drink on the carpet juz because I said he's smart.
~He spitted on the sofa twice because I didnt allow him to spit into my face.
~He threatened to smash my mum's fragile vase on the floor.We ended up pulling the ends of the vase for 5 mins.
~He sat on top of me and hit me with a plastic gun repeatedly on my head because I tried to wake up from my 'pretend fainting' after he shoot me with his plastic gun.
And he managed all these within 30mins.
After that,I juz locked myself in my room and let my bro and sis handle him.
The last thing I heard,that Kid From Hell bite my bro's hand and attempt to do the same thing to my sis.
I'm so stressed over that kid that I started to have a bad headache and fever.
I took panadol and had an early night.
Hoping that everything was juz a bad dream.

Missing coco

2005-10-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

I simply have to say this....
I MISS YOU COCO!TOTALLY MISSING YOU!!!I'm so glad I finally got hold of you even after a yr has past.
Actually,I knew from the start that no matter how far we go,we'll still get back in touch.
Ahh....he's my friend for life.My super duper friend that always make me laugh.
We have got lots to catch up this past yr but I'm darn happy to be able to start all over again.
And yeah,not to forget,I MISS YOU TOO MAS!!
I'm so happy you guys got back together.Totally.
I dunno if you guys are going to read this,but who cares anyway?
Either way,coco will be embarrased and he'll say "giler" to me.

You know ppl always say that you've got to find the missing pieces in your life.
And I think I've found mine yesterday.
*smiles*

bitch/bastard-less

2005-10-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Life is so bitch/bastard-less without Theinesh ard.
I wonder why that bastard didnt call me.

I'm not so pissed off now.
But still,I want to be pissed off for some reason.
And you,you better pay attention to me or the deal is off.

Maths test

2005-10-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Maths test is done.It was less painful coz Hanis was ard.
He checked all my mistakes and I managed to get a few marks more.
Cool.

I have ntg to say....
except maybe I'm really pissed at that significant other.

Nightmare week

2005-09-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

Art coursework is official over.
*sigh*
And I must say that I feel so empty and free right now.
So the past week had been full blast steam.The 6 of us,and Ms Lee have been going thru hell getting everything ready....the venue,the spotlights,the wires,the frames,blah2...on top of that,we were busy finishing our prepwork and coursework,and also our prelims at the same time.Everyone was in a foul temper,especially Ms Lee,who had the job of making sure everything ran smooth.But I dun quite agree of how she loses her stress.
That is to be full of sarcasm and scolding ppl.
Ppl like me who is too unlucky to be there the moment she bursts.
Ahh...there were tears involved too.It had been the worst week in my life what with everything going on at the same time.
And no one did so much as to drop everything to ask me if I was ok.
Thanks.
*rolls eyes*

I think I pretty much did my best but I think I cud have done better for my prepwork.We stayed late last night in school coz yesterday was the last day to do touch up.We finally got chased out by the angry uncle at 10pm.

I'm really worried abt Jasmine especially.She didnt quite finished her prepwork and her coursework was done in a rush.
And the funny thing was,this Art A'level became a group work thing rather than individual project.
I mean,there was abit of cheating involved.
Joey and Joey(girl n boy) helped me to colour 2 of my drawings and practically everyone helped to do Jasmine's prepwork.
On behalf of the JC2s,I would like to thank all of those who helped us to lighten our burden.....Ms Lee for EVERYTHING,Mr Chew for the hammering n lighting,Uncle Jamil and all the other school attendent for the moving of our projects,Mdm Koh(I think) and her husband for lighting n hammering,Ms Yati for her ideas and framing,the uncle who helped me make my dressing table and all the other ppl who helped us in one way or another like holding the door for us.
I almost forgot....many thank yous to the JC1s who helped us so much(more like cheating but in a gd way).To Joey the guy,who helped me copper foil the many many glass and colour my prepwork.To the rest,thank you for helping us buy food and getting stuffs for us.Your service was fantastic!!
I really do miss the whole of last week's nightmares.
I bet I wont be going thru it again.

I cleaned up my working area in the art workshop today.
I guess sadness was the first thing I felt.Taking down my photos,tearing down notices,throwing away the rubbish on my table that have been collected for the past year.
The thing I'm really most happy abt is that I wont be seeing Ms Lee bursting out practically at every single moment she sees us.

This past week has made me a bad kid suddenly.I skipped most of my lessons and refused to come early.For 2 days,I've been coming to school in the afternoon,not caring wat kind of punishment is waiting for me.
I hope my mum's letter will back me up.

I'm juz too tired.Too tired.As I said,my brain is like a wrung sponge at this moment.
And tomorrow,I have to sit for another bloody 3hr maths test.
Ahh...shoot me.

And now,I'm supposed to see my form teacher and I bet I'm already screwed.

Dun pin hopes on guys

2005-09-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

I was thinking yesterday....about hopes.
From past experiences,I've told myself not to pin my hopes on any guys coz they are jus sweet talkers.
And yeah,at times,I do need constant reminding,coz I tend to trust them.
So I've go to remind myself repeatedly that I shud never wait for a guy or pin my hopes on him.It's always not worth it.
I love singlehood and I want it to be that way.
For the guy next door,I hope you understand and well,maybe one day,you'll come looking for me.
For now,my heart doesnt belong to anyone.
Period.
And that includes not being in love.
Period.

On a lighter note,Ashton Kutcher,27,and Demi Moore,42 skipped indecent proposal and jumped straight into indecent marriage.
I know a lot of people think that this marriage is creepy because she's 15 years older than him,but those people are just stupid.Everyone knows that only parts of Demi Moore are older than Ashton Kutcher.Most of the other parts are actually way younger. If you think about it,he's sort of marrying three 14-year-old girls who just happen to be grafted onto a 42-year-old's body.And even though that sounds gross,you have to admit that it's kind of hot too.Kind of really hot.And,okay,maybe a little gross.Actually, yeah,mostly just gross.
I don't know what I was thinking.

My brain is like a wrung sponge right now.

Major piss off

2005-09-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

Major piss off yesterday.
For once,it felt good to shout at your friend in front of an 'audience' of art students.
I guess,we were juz going thru some major stress.
Sorry babe.

Too tired to do stupid art prepwork.
Bug off examiners.

Slowly,I'm letting him go.
Goodbye fairytales.

Fairytales are juz illusions.

I love you

2005-09-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

Despite the constant squabbles over trivial matters,I know we care deeply for each other.I admit the feeling is there but I still dun feel the love...yet.
Maybe,it'll come one day.
It surprised me tho',that it lasted 17hrs.But it's for the best.The best for both of us.It's not really a parting but we juz planned to let it hang there till the end of the yr.
For the first time,I wasnt sure what I was doing until he mentioned his discomfortness that I was also feeling.
And then,I know what we had to do.It was juz at a wrong timing.

We have other commitments and there's also the problem of getting our parents' approval.But that is later's problem.

4 yrs is a long time.A long time to stay away from each other,going abt with our own life.And we managed to do that.
And....for the past 4 yrs,we've been trying to find 'the right time'.
Even now isnt the right time.

I guess,we'll juz have to wait.

"Goodnight,I love you."
Can you repeat that,a thought juz caught me,not much of a thought,juz enough to lose your words in a confusion of background music.
"I love you."
Pardon,did I hear you right?A whisper blown by the wind,I cud hardly hear.
There's so much to say but for now,I can only managed a...
"Me too."

Shagged

2005-09-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm shagged.Totally shagged.
Art is killing me.
3.5hrs of sleep isnt long enuff to last you the whole day.
I'm ready to give up soon.
After next week,my life wud be better without my art coursework which is almost completed.
great.

New drama club

2005-09-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

New short drama skit.
Hah.What utter rubbish are those new drama ppl are thinking?
A drama without talents?
I've been hearing many rumours abt it....abt choosing actors and actresses based on looks rather than talent.
WTF.
Since when do they think that works?It nearly never does.
And even if they want to choose based on looks,then choose properly coz I dun think they did a great job.
For the male part,ok....maybe he has the looks.
For the female,well,she doesnt really meet the criteria.
So yeah,I wish them all the best and I bet my Stained Glass that they wud do a rotten job out of it.
Hah.

And YOU from the new eldds club,STOP BEING SO BITCHY.
Stop telling ppl to get lost whenever you want them out of your way.
And if you want Thanesh to help you for the props,asking "Can you help us with the props,please?" would be nice instead of "Since you cant act and you're in art,why dun you do the props?".
That is super rude bitch.
Who the hell do you think you are?
GOsh,why do they even bother calling themselves drama ppl?
Coz what I know is that drama ppl isnt like that.

For once,I dun find Eugene Sng hot anymore.
I thought he had more brains than to choose actors based on looks.

ART is driving me crazy.
I might juz kill myself soon.
Ouch.

Saw Eeeduh for like 5mins on Saturday night but I think it was worth it.
Miss you gerl.
Wish I cud be there for you all the time.

almost there

2005-09-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Damn.That Batam thingy was postponed.
Argh.
Juz becoz my uncle had to work during weekends.
But I thought he took off?So how can ppl make him work?
There goes all my seafood and pizza.

I somewhat officially finished my prelims.That is,the memorising part.
I'm only left with art but it's only next wednesday.
This is the only paper I'm actually good at.
I've so far maintained an A and B grade.
But seriously it doesnt really matter much if I'm failing all my other subjects.

Mum bought me fantastic earrings!
Ahh...I'm so in love with earrings and necklaces and bracelets.

And Eeeduh,cheer up.
I love you gerl.
If you have no one else in the world,if all your friends left you and you hav no one,remember I'm always here for you.
As a friend,a counsellor and a sister.
And of coz,a cousin.
The blood running thru our veins has created a bond between us that no one can break.

And to my cousin,Baby,(ok,she's not exactly a baby)Happy 12th Birthday!!!May you grow old and have abit more fat and always continue laughing especially from 1am onwards.
Good luck for your prelims and PSLE.Study hard.No boyfriends and stuffs.That includes having girlfriends too.
See you ard my Doctor Copra.
*winks*

Maths

2005-09-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Maths Paper 1 was like a prison.
Maths paper 2 was like hell.
Either way,it's bad coz you wudnt want to be in a prison when you're alive and you wudnt want to be in hell after you die.
So it's a total sucky paper that I cant wait to tear the whole damn thing apart.

Life is quiet these few days.

I'm suspecting that I have dengue fever.
I mean,I got bitten like 8 times in the art room last week before I managed to kill the fucker with one swing of my right hand.
And now,I'm having fever like on and off.
I swear I feel like dying already.

I'm going to Batam this saturday and sunday as a treat before a'levels.
Anyway,my uncle is staying there and he's paying our tickets.
So it's a chance that cannot be missed.
Our aim of going there is juz to eat.Eat the seafood there which is so yummy.
Especially when you get to choose the seafood you want.
And we're also going to places like the pizza hut which is damn cheap.
I cant wait.I cant wait.
And there's a beach in front of my uncle's house.
yippee.
And seriously,I dun care abt my diet.
Screw it.

I dunno if I shud say this,but I think I shud to clear some misunderstandings.
well,I'm not with Nuri.Nor have I ever had that silly thought.
We are totally good friends since Jan last yr.
And Nuri has a gf.Who,I'm not telling.
And I have someone else in mind.
So stop spreading rumours and pretending that you know everything that goes on in YJC.

September hols

2005-09-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

September hols come and go.
And this is the most wasted hols I've ever had,due to the fact that I spent my time doing art,sleeping,talking to my neighbour and doing other stupid stuffs.
Prelims dun seemed to ring a bell in my head.
I'm not panic at all.But I have successfully drive myself to become stress and I have the worse face in my life now.Tons of pimples.

I bet my life that my prelims results is gonna suck big time.
Oh mama,I'm so sorry to have to disappoint you.Again.
I know I can be good provided I have gd working conditions,excellent teachers and no stress.In secondary school,all of my subject teachers are HODs and they're super gd.
But now,I dun have any of the mentioned criteria.
I'm sorry,I cant do well.Anyway mama,you know studying is juz not my thing.I'm more of an art and drama person,coz I excel in both areas.I mean,most believe I am anyway,except a few unhappy ppl..but well,fuck them.
Anyway mum,you know I wont be needing sastera and maths during my working life.So juz trust in me,trust in my future coz I'll make you proud in one way or another.
You'll be the happiest mum in the world.I promise.

Prom night is coming.I cant wait for the dress.

Yesterday,I attended a 'kenduri' at my neighbour's house.I have no idea why I was bloody excited.
Ok,mayb I know.
But it's stupid actually.Our eyes keep meeting at wrong timings.
He looks damn good in black.

To Aunty Jo,well,I realise I'm totally embarassed to have you as my aunty.
You're totally selfish and only think for yourself.In fact,you dun even think of your 4 children except for your own satisfaction.
You have like 70 000 fucking dollars and you cant even lend your sis $10000.
You dun even bother calling her to ask how she was.
Well,if you like to know,my mum cried hearing Aunty Jen's problem with the credit card.
Coz we are grateful with our life now and we had financial difficulties before,and even now.
It juz hurts my mum's heart that her sis is having financial problem.
We know how hurting it can be.
Even how hard life is for us now,mum truly wanted to help Aunty Jen.
It kind of made me thankful that I dun have a selfish mother like you.
Well,you've been in a worse situation than us.But I guess,you're juz not thoughtful.
Tak sedar diri.Ingat sikit,dulu gaji laki kau cume $300,anak 2,hari-hari makan nasi dgn ikan bilis.Mcm mane kau nak hidup dgn $300?
Hidup kau merane.Sape yg tolong?Kakak kau jugak.
Dier bawak kau beli baju raye,beli baju skola anak kau,beli barang pasar.
Kau tak sedar ke?
Skarang kau hidup mewah,kau tak pedulikan org lain.Kedekut punye pompan.Nobody ask for a return.But at least think of ppl who helped you so much.

I wonder why God made you human.

Heard today that one of my closest cousin got beaten up by stupid chinese gangsters.
For fuck's sake,will you stupid mungents stop acting like the world owes you???
You cant juz go ard hitting ppl and smashing ppl's nose juz becoz you thought that they stare at you.
You know what's your problem?You juz need someone to lash out all your insecurities and use them as a scapegoat juz becoz you feel insecure with yourself.
How dare you beat up Zaky???
Stupid uncivilised cibai kanina buey mungents/cina bukits.
Serve you right for getting caught.
You know,Zaky and his friend got beaten up near the traffic light in front of 2o ppl and not one fucking soul helped.
They juz walked like ntg happened.
I'm so not proud to be a singaporean.

studying

2005-09-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Focus.Focus.
That's what I told myself when I got distracted by every tiny movement ard me,including having a housefly flying ard my head,probably trying to see how much stuff I've cramped into my brain.
I guess the whole idea of me doing a 3hr maths paper in an exam condition isnt what I would call a successful mission.
Coz I only managed to expand my bladder in such a way that I had to pee 3times in 3hrs and also to munch on the unhealthy potato chips that I have so many times tried to call it 'junk food.'

So I've decided to head back home where I can lock myself in my room,blast the radio,do a great amt of studying and then doze off.
Which is much better than being in school,getting distracted by stupid houseflies and mosquitoes and thinking of home all the time.

I've made a big decision to confess what I think.
Guys are full of lies and all the shitty stuff in the world.

I still love Indo guys...

Bored

2005-09-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

I'm freaking bored at home.Restless and hopeless.
I've got ntg much to say here.
It's one of those rare moments you know,where there's ntg interesting happening in your life.
So yeah.
I'll end here....

Wait,one more thing.
I like Indo guys.
*smiles*

fuck books

2005-09-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

I guess tiredness has caught me finally.
I tried so hard not to fall asleep while studying,but I think I did.
The moment I woke up,it was already 8pm.
Such a waste of time.
But I cant deny I was wide awake till 2am.

Didnt talk to him yesterday.I thought it's juz not right.
I'm guilty.Yes,I admit.But I dun want to destroy our friendship that we have tried to build.

Stop dreaming.
Fuck your books gerl.
And not Harry Potter series my dear.
But your maths and sastera.

Wan

2005-09-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,the topic of Wan was brought up again unintentionally.
And again,the memory of him haunted me.
And again,I shed tears.
He cheated me,and then left me.
Even after more than a year,he never fails to hurt me again and again at every opportunity he gets.
And I know clearly,that I dun want anyone in my life right now.
I dun want Rix.
Nor Riff.
Nor Wan.

And yeah,I'm sick of making an effort.
So juz leave me alone right now.

And I think it's soooo wrong to hit off with your own neighbour.

confused

2005-09-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

I cant deny that I'm really feeling stupidly confused with the things going on ard me.
I dun care abt anything.I dun care if you like me or love me.
I dun care if I screw up our friendship.
What I care most is the guy whom I've been waiting for a yr.
The one who never fails to make me blush.

I went home after art with Kevin the cowok imut.
He was exceptionally disgusting yesterday but I didnt mind at all.
Going home with him was totally hilarious,I juz couldnt stop laughing.
Then he bought me bubble tea which was totally sweet.
*melts*
He's so ridiculously adorable.I juz cant get enuff of him.
Tried to make Novi jealous today but it didnt work coz she told me in return that she went home with the most handsome guy in YJC.
Oh damn.

Ipin

2005-09-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

Scared?Yeah,probably I am.
It's happening once again.And I know if it happens,there wont be a third time.
You know,I think love is very confusing.I never understood it and never will I attempt to understand it.

Gosh,if a guy confesses to you,what do you do?
Normally,I wud juz run away and hide.
But if it's your next door neighbour that did it,then you have no way to hide.
So yeah,he asked me out like twice yesterday.But of coz,I said I have this and that.
Oh I dunno,I'm feeling really stupidly confused.

I cant believe that stupid old rag is asking the JC2 art students to come to school everyday of the september holidays from 9am-4pm.
Bullshit.
Is she crazy or what?She's the principal,I thought she wud know better that we also have other subjects to concentrate on.
Stupid bitch.
Go fuck yourself you fuck nut.

teacher's day performance

2005-09-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

The Teacher's Day performance was a blast.
Much better than last year's.
I cant believe I really did that stupid walk in front of everyone.
Even at the last minute,I begged Novi to allow me to juz quit.
But I'm glad I did it for her.
Nuri and Andy was really cool about it.I must say they actually enjoyed giving me flowers and a big heart-shaped paper.
But the real star was really Mr Spencer who came out looking so hot.
He was really super cool about giving me flowers and offering me his arm.
And the audience were laughing,'ahhing' and 'ooohing' at the right moment.
I mean most of the audience that is.
Coz some ppl are juz not happy that I did it.
Seriously,I'm immuned to all these already.You can say what you want.
Emangnya,gua pikirin!!!
....Something useful that my new frens taught me.

But the best part of the day was spending time with my secondary school frens!!!
My bestest buddy,Theinesh,looked so hot suddenly.He always makes me laugh and brightens up my day.And now,I'm seriously missing him.
So it's back to square one again....talking on the phone.
Anyway,the gang,about 10 of us,went to eat at Sakura.I was practically forced to eat despite telling them I'm on diet.
Ok,I admit I'm fatter than I was last time.But I was super thin last time.
And most of them admitted that I looked much better than during my secondary school days.They say they dun like skinny gerls.
So seriously,I shud trust my friends who are with me for the past 6 yrs than listen to some unhappy ppl in YJC who juz doesnt like me....for the sake of not liking me.

I had a blastful afternoon with them,laughing and playing dare where the person has to eat one spoonful of chilli.
Theinesh planned to catch a movie with me after that but the movie we wanted to watch wasnt shown there.
So we waited for Othniel at 2pm so I cud go home with him since we stay so near.
And I admit,it's hard for me to part with Theinesh.Both of us are damn busy.

I love my friends.I've learnt to appreciate them since I learnt my lesson.
Those that you think you can trust are actually hypocrites.
And those whom you were never close to are actually your best friends for life.In YJC,I've never met anyone the latter.YJC isnt a place to make friends actually.Trust no one.I'm glad my cousin Eeeduh isnt coming here.

My neighbour is acting all weird.
He's nice and cute but it's juz not happening I'm telling you.

Have I mention that I watched The Maid last Saturday?
Well,I did and I think it's lame.For the scary parts,Joey,Jasmine and I screamed our heads off for the fun of it and then burst out laughing.
Seriously,anyone who planned to watch it,well,dun bother.
It's crap.Oh yeah,remember Haizat from S'pore Idol?
Well,he's acting as this dumb and mute postman which was totally hilarious.
Haiz,such a waste of my money.Fucking $9.50.

I guess I'm plain stupid.Obviously,today is prelims.Which means I dun need to report so fucking early since I have no papers today to sit for.
*rolls eyes*

I have the urge to say sumthing fucking horrible here about someone.
But there's no privacy nowadays.
I'm pissed.

Indo club

2005-08-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

I've made up my mind.
I'm gonna marry an Indo guy.
I've already trained my accent with the help of Novi,Andy,Michelle and Kevin.
Cewek gedek,Cowok Handsome,Cewek lawa and Cowok Cute.
Ahh...the lovely Indo Club that I recently joined.
I swear they drive me crazy.
While going home at 7.30pm,we were singing crappy westlife songs at the top of our lungs which was so cool.

I like Indo guys.
I like ~~basketball~~ guys.

I juz absolutely love tall,skinny guys.

Have I mentioned before that Mr Spencer is the best teacher I've met?
I'll miss him the most when I leave YJC.
He's juz the most coolest teacher ever.

Gp juz makes my heart fall out.
Seriously,what the hell does the AQ wants?
You want our "knowledge and ideas".Does that mean we have to write in singapore's context like usual?
See,my point exactly.

Marriage

2005-08-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

Let's juz say I might do juz the dumbest thing in the world by agreeing to help Novi.
Kamu gilarr....gara-gara kamu,gua harusnya tolong kamu.Gua lucky,gua tak ada cowok untuk lihat gua.Malunyeee....
Did I mention that NOvi's indon friend is cute?Well,he is,trust me.

I still cant believe my GP Prelims is actually tomorrow morning.
*screams*

I've been sleeping alot during weekends.And I'm about to fall asleep now.

My niece,to be exact my cousin's daughter,shares the same name as me and was born in the same yr.
And she's engaged already.She's only 18 like me and stopped schooling when she was in sec 2.Then she worked in some night club thingy.
Soon she'll be married.
Gosh,I swear there is sumthing fishy going on.

My aunt asked me when I was going to get married.
Like haha.No way.Not anytime soon or later.
I'm contented with my life now.I wanna finish school,work,open a business,do abit of broadway acting and then think of marriage.
yup.

If he wants things to be this way,fine.
I accept it.
It's time I start moving on with my life and leave lovely memories behind.

Sis

2005-08-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Pissed.That's how I'm feeling.
I swear I will kill her if I catch her stealing my stuff and using my school bag without my permission.
Oh yeah,stop being super duper rude young gerl.I'm 9years older and I deserve some respect.
And for goodness sake,flush the damn toilet after you shit.I've been flushing for you for the past two months and I'm getting sick of it.
Remember to lock the gate too instead of leaving it open the whole night as a welcome gesture to thieves.
For ~~fuck's~~ sake,study will you?!Gosh,it's so embarassing that your form teacher complaint abt you to mum.
Train your mind to remember stuffs being told to you more than 30seconds interval.
Being absent-minded wont get you anywhere.

Did I mention that she lost about 80% of her memory a few months ago?She lost a further 5% this month.
Translated,it means she cant remember a single bloody thing in the world for more than 10seconds for each interval.
That's how bad the situation is.Mum has resorted to juz keeping quiet.I think she gave up on sis.

The whole night,everyone ignored me.Juz becoz I scolded sis for using my school bag without permission and checking my cupboard.
Of coz,there's always a twist right?I will always end up to be the one who is blamed.
Yeah,dun talk to me.It's always like this right?My fault.
Everyone is so sorry for poor little sis who is juz plain slow and all,and no one gives a damn about me.
Great.

Prom

2005-08-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

Despite dozing off while doing my art project,I still managed to get up from my seat and start walking ard school,instead of fucking my books.
*winks to Idah*
I have to admit,I've been really sleepy these days.God knows why.Maybe it's becoz of my period which started yesterday without giving me any form of signal.
It sort of juz came out.lols.No cramps,nothing at all.
For once,I've got no disgusting pimples poping out like nobody's business.

Oh yeah,I'm getting hungry all over again.Haiz,it's that time of the month.

Mum helped me with my Stained Glass last night which was sweet,but she kept complaining that she cant see clearly.In short,I did most of my glass myself.

I'm paying my Prom Night ticket today.For once,I'm thankful I dun have the same Prom Night with some ppl.
This year will be a blast.
I cant wait to leave this fucking school.

I saw him many many many times this week.I knew this week was going to be a great week for me.
I wish it'll be like this for every week of my life.
I know,my feelings for him at this point of time is very serious.
How I wish...it will juz go away.I dun want to have this feeling anymore.
I hate it.

I've got a joke to share.
Mum:Which group does the lion and tiger belong to?
Sis(Pri 3):Horse.
(Mum,bro and me laughed,me being the loudest)
Bro(Pri 1):It's cat lah.
(Everyone laughed again)

My sister never fail to make me laugh with her ridiculous answers.
My bro on the other hand always me feel awe with his brilliant answers to my sister's homework.
I'm not surprise if he becomes Singapore's future President.
Whahahahaha.....
By that time,I'll be 90plus.
Wait,who says I'm going to live till 90?
So yeah,I'll be in my grave by then.

Talked to him

2005-08-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

Suddenly,the world seems like a better place.
I knew my week would be a better one for this week.
I managed to have a chat with him yesterday after so long.For once,I cud see him smiling and making a joke instead of having that dead face which most JC2s have.
I spent my whole day grinning stupidly at everything I saw.I didnt even bother when 2 gerls looked at me coz I was smiling to myself.
I was even smiling when I reached home.I was smiling and grinning till I even took my school skirt to wear after bathing instead of my shorts.
Gosh,I juz feel like slapping myself.
*slaps her face*
That's better.

Today,I'm 90% sure that he was looking at me while I was walking with my friend.
Ahh,I swear I was melting.

a'levels maths paper

2005-08-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

I jus found out that the maths paper I took last Thursday is actually last year's A'levels maths paper.
Considering that I only memorise the formulas and got 70 for it,it actually means that I have a huge chance of getting an A for A'levels.
*woot-woot*
Suddenly,I feel as if I have a great week ahead.
*smiles*
Spent 6hrs on art prepwork on a sunday morning.Even tho' I'm not really finished yet,I'm still happy at the rate I'm going.

Prom Night is coming.I cant believe it.
Surprisingly,mum is also excited and going bonkers about my Prom Night.
She's helping me plan what to wear,what jewellery,what colour and everything.
I'm so thankful I got her.

I'm losing weight.
That is so great news.

maths

2005-08-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

I nearly died.
Not literally.But,anyways,I got 70/100 for my 3hr Maths test(Paper 1).
*woot-woot*
Which is something that accounts for a celebration.
*shouts*

I had a relaxing night coz there was only GP essap to be done.
Watched LOSt at 10pm.I wonder when the creature will come out.So far,it's only shaking the trees.
Watched OC at 11pm and use my face mask at 12pm and went to bed shortly after.
I wish everyday is like yesterday.

.Still in love with you.

2005-08-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

Watched a few parts of our drama performance to get the quality of the DVD.
It's great I guess.I saw my dying scene and I totally freak out.My face...was juz priceless.The ugliest in fact.I was basically screwing up my face to look like I'm scared to commit suicide.
Which made everyone in the classroom laughed.

So yeah peeps,YJC's Antony & CLeopatra DVD is coming out real soon.You can place your orders with me or any drama ppl if you want.I'm not sure of the price yet but I heard it'll be cost price,meaning it'll be the price of 2 DVDs.
Which I think is really cheap.
For the drama ppl,we'll be getting an extra DVD as it contains all of our drama photos and a clip of the drama party we had at Spencer's house.

So yeah,if you dun mind watching me for 3 bloody hours again on a DVD,than,by all means buy it.

fuck the world

2005-08-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

Seriously,fuck the world.
I'm going to be a superstar one day.
A damn good actress.
And I'll rock the acting world.

Shooting Star is ok.Not excellent but juz ok.
I may not be an excellent actress but I know who is good and who isnt.
Taufiq definitely can act better than Farah,that gerl who acts as his gerlfriend.
I mean,she seriouly cant act.Maybe,she's ok in Suria shows but definitely not good enuff to act in mediacorp.And Taufiq who is acting for the first time is better than her.He's not really superb but he's good enuff for me for a first timer.

late updates

2005-08-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Let's juz say that I'm the most busiest person on the planet.
Ok,maybe not the most but one of them.
I've been finishing my homework instead of studying.I mean who wants to stand in lectures and tutorials juz becoz you dun do homework right?
Right.Save me the embarrassment.

Been pissed off is really not the greatest feeling in the world.
That movie date with my secondary school mates like Theinesh,Jonathan,Sophian and Taufiq was totally screwed up.I mean,it was being postponed twice coz of some lame reasons like tests and work.
And they planned to watch it on a sunday evening which was really not a good time for me.
Haiz.Next time,they have to follow my timing.
Btw,I juz saw Yam's mini blog.There's this photo of Taufiq that juz turns me on.wow.He has a nice body.He was at the beach,half naked.Kind of reminds me of Manhunt where they had a photoshoot at the beach.

Yam mentioned something in her mini blog,"I think I know why I am single.Each time i get into a relationship,I immediately wanna get out of it."
But if it were me,I would say,"I think I know why I am single.Each time a guy gets close to me,I immediately wanna run away."

Mum and I are having these stupid squabbles.I dun understand why we cant talk nicely to each other.
If she wants respect,then show me some respect first.

Can ppl get addicted to tv?
I guess so,coz I am.

My art course isnt finishing.I've been doing ntg else except art and I swear there isnt any change at all.
If it isnt complete,I'll kill myself.
Which means,if I dun blog,I'm already dead.

18th birthday

2005-08-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

I had a happy Happy Birthday.
Anyway,I would like to sing for myself even if it's over.
Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to meeeee,
Happy birthday to you.
haha.

It was juz yesterday that I wore a pink princess gown for my 5th birthday party.And now,it's exactly 13 yrs later.How fast time flies.

On 8th of August,I took an award for my "invaluable service" to the school for Antony & Cleopatra.Seriously,I dun think that a cert and a pathetic plastic trophy that broke into two when I dropped it,is going to pay off my hard work,sweat and tears to make Antony & Cleoptra a success in YJC's history.
But I guess it's better than not getting anything juz becoz you are so busy bothering about other ppl's business.

The national day celebrations in school cum dance was crap.All the ndp motivators looked lost.I left for the toilet 3o seconds after the starting and only came back after it was over.Sports day was terrific.I totally admire those who took part in numerous events.Ppl like Sharifah,Amrit and Daphne...thumbs up you guys!

Let's talk about presents.Thank you Joey for that lovely handmade earrings you bought.I have to agree,it looks great on black.Thank you to him,for that birthday wish.It really meant alot to me.
Thank you to MR Spencer/my "Uncle George" for that heartfelt birthday song you sang for me.Most of all,thank you to my lovely classmates:Zahra,Rozana,Azian,Asyraf and Adnan for that bloody Simple Plan CD I wanted so badly!!
Thanks guys!!
To top it off,they sang me a birthday song in front of everyone near the grand stand,at the top of thier lungs.Gosh,1/4 through the song,I'm already embarrased.haha.Then the girls and I got tangled in a hug.Zahra took out the Simple Plan CD and I juz started screaming at every short intervals becoz of excitement.
It's juz super fantastic that your friends bought you a gift that you wanted.Trust me guys,it pays off.I love every single song inside.

My other classmates?No,there were no birthday presents or wishes.I dun care actually coz having my close friends ard juz rocks my world.Coz ntg else matters.Anyway,I'm not even close to the rest of the class.I'm juz that stupid CT rep of 220 whom no one gives a damn about listening to.

In the morning of my brithday,9th August,mum gave me a present.She bought it long ago already and that was the 6th book of Harry Potter:Half-Blood Prince.
But she still gave me another one.It's actually a brooch with the letter "B".It has all this diamond studs on it.Really lovely.
My brithday party at Aunty Leha's house is cancelled.I'm not surprised.Since the death of my beloved grandmother,no one wanted to go to Aunty Leha's house anymore.So for the first time in my life,we didnt go there to celebrate my birthday.
I spent my morning doing homework.Then in the afternoon,I left to meet my cousin,Eeeduh,at Esplanade to see the fireworks at night.No way was I going to Yishun's one coz of whom I might meet there.

City Hall mrt was totally packed.I nearly got choke becoz of the lack of oxygen.We were not allowed to wait there coz it was totally crowded.Thank god I met Hafiz who is a friend of my cousin's.We left together with his friends and hung ard at Starbucks.Then I met eeeduh.

I received many many birthday wishes from eeeduh's friends.Surprisingly,all her friends knew.I bet she told her whole school.lols.
They sang me a birthday song at the top of thier lungs which was totally embarrasing coz everyone thought they were too patriotic and sang a birthday song for singapore.
But it's really cool.I felt so welcomed among Eeeduh's friends who were all at most 2yrs younger than me.
Everyone kept wishing me happy birthday,at least twice and there were more than 10 of them.
One of them,Yuh-tee,gave me this coke glass bottle that she got free,as a birthday present.It was seconds before eeeduh asked for it.sorry babe.
And nothing beats the fireworks which was right in front of me.I cud almost feel the fireworks raining on me.
I think that's the best birthday present that no one cud get me.
While walking,we were given free KFC which was damn cool.The chicken was cold but it was fine coz I havent had a meal since breakfast and I swear I lost 2kg.haha.
Anyway,I had a great time that night thanks to eeeduh and her crazy bunch of friends.

Eeeduh and me went home at 10pm coz her sister said that we're going to cut cake.So we assumed my family is still there at her house in Pasir Ris.But they were not.
And....gosh,it's a really damn long story that makes me feel guilty.
Eeeduh's mum allowed her to go out with her friends and me,and we did.She cooked and eeeduh's dad bought me a cake.They waited for us but we were not there.
My other cousins were also there.But not birthday gerl.
Oh wells,it wasnt our fault,coz no one told us.well,they didnt coz it was a surprised birthday party.So eeduh's dad got pissed and decided not to see the fireworks with the rest.Then mum got pissed and went home at 7pm to see the fireworks in Yishun.
So there we were standing in front of her house at 11pm feeling really guilty even tho' it's not our fault.
Worse still,while I was calling my mum outside,her mother dumped the cake into my hands and told me to go home.
After discussing with mum,I cut the cake into 4 parts and gave her 1/4.
Then eeeduh and Zaki accompanied me at the bus stop and the bloody bus only arrived 30 mins later.
Arrived home at 12am.
Called Theinesh regarding our outing but we postponed it to Saturday so that we can watch Land of The Dead(M18)
Supposed to meet eeeduh on wednesday in the afternoon to buy my birthday present but got postponed to sunday coz she has problems with her friends.
I'm telling you gerl,friends come and go and you know that.But cousins will always be there coz we are binded by the same blood running thru out veins.

Anyway,thank you to Uncle Nasir for the lovely mixed fruit cake.Thank you Aunty Jen for that lovely watch cum bracelet and yeah,I'm sorry for not being at my surprised birthday party.Aww,that was really screwed man.
Thank you to my neighbour who bought me a pearl necklace that I wanted coz I already have a pair of pearl earrings and a pearl bracelet.She also bought me this lipstick which I'm totally in love with coz it's pinkish and glittery.
Thank you to my sister who made me a card.It was....colourful indeed.And the message inside makes me wanna laugh.

And well,thank you to anyone who wished me happy birthday in one way or another.

I'm so glad to be 18.

dream

2005-08-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah,I very well read your entry.Haiz,Mat,no matter what I said,you wudnt care coz in the end,it's your decision.Our job as a friend is to stir you in the right direction.After that,it's your own journey that you have to create.

I'm buying something white tomorrow to go with red.
Gosh,birthday is coming in 5 days' time!!!
Major crisis here!
But I think I'm ready to be 18.Yeah,sweet 18.
On 11th August,there's this movie,"Land of The Dead" or sumthing that is coming out.
And it's M18.
Hahah...for once,I can watch M18.Oh boy,I cant wait.

Homework is really piling up.
I'm juz curious...how do the teachers expect us to study when they give us so much homework to do?
Gosh,I swear the world is not on my side.

I had a dream last night.
About him as usual.
This time,I think it ends it off.
I kind of told him the truth.And before I cud finish,he said it's ok and he held my hand while we were walking.
I wonder....is that a sign?
Maybe it is.
I think the world is on my side once again.

Mat

2005-08-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

Mat,if you're reading this,good.
Coz I want to tell you that you're being a fucking emotional bastard.
$^T&*098$%#****!!!!!!!!
You gotta push yourself to come to school.I know,pressure is hard but we are all under pressure right?
You have your own family problems.I have too.And I can say your problems and mine have almost the same burden.
So if I can push myself,why cant you?
We're all right here for you.That's what friends are for.
You juz need to open up and we'll carry the burden with you.
Stop being a baby and come to school ok?
I dun understand why you cant drag yourself to school.Is it that hard?Come on,life may be hard but you have to move on.And moving on does not mean running away.
OK,so you are dumb and stupid.Well,let me tell you that the whole lot of us are dumb too.Totally dumb.Especially Asyraf.
Look at Rozana,she's like getting...zero points.You did too.Did she say she's stupid?No right?
This is supposed to be a wakeup call.So you better wake up and study.It's not too late Mat.
YOu're not stupid.And never will.
We all care about you.
And doing stupid things wont change anything.

Mat,I always try to be happy.But I know I'm not.Sometimes,I cry myself to sleep becoz I cant handle things anymore.
I know how it feels to pretend to be happy.
I know how it feels when there's no more hope.
I know how it feels to get hurt.
I know how it feels to want to end your life.
I know Mat.
People have to make an effort to succeed in life.
Staying home,thinking there's nothing else you cud do is bullshit.

Remember that promise you made to me and rozana?
You want to study hard and not give up?
Where's that promise?
Dun break that promise.
For us.For yourself.

We're always here for you.Remember that.
Juz shout,and we'll be there.

Prom

2005-08-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

America's Next Top Model was great as usual.But not as great as Manhunt.
*giggles*
So strong,so hot and so sexy.

Maths hw is overwhelming.
Stained Glass is going at a rate that makes me wanna cry.

Stress management/Mental Health is fun.Eric's accent is damn cool and hot.
He's from San Fransisco.And he's a basketball player.
I love basketball players.

Tmr morning,we have another round of stress management talk.
Aiyo...if you're stress means you're stress lah.
No need to go for talks and stuff.
What rubbish.

Counting down to National day cum birthday.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7 days more.
I love wearing red and white.

I think I've finally decided on my prom night dress.
I'm gonna be the star of the night.
*laughs*
Actually,I dun give a shit about Prom King and Queen.
I juz want to be there with him.

updateys

2005-08-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've got to make my move fast.But I think I lost my guts somewhere.

I hate tests and prelims fever.
Save me.

Mum bought this curl cream that makes my hair extra soft,bouncy and curly.I love it.
Even after 8mths,my permed hair is still curly.

Mum permed her hair.I absolutely love it.She looks so much much younger.

Counting down to my 18th birthday.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8....days more.
I love national day,dun you?
I cant wait to have presents,cakes,money and wear red and white.

I dun understand why I cant meet Theneish and my other secondary school mates on a Sunday evening.
I dun understand mothers.

Dance

2005-07-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

Do you remember we use to dance together during the Jam & Hop?You were dancing so close.I cud feel the warmth from your body and I cud smell your scent.
But I was oblivious to everything at that time.It was so harmless.I never saw you as more than a friend.
But now,the sight of you makes my heart race.
I know I shud take my chances and move forward.
I'm juz too scared to take a step.Coz I know,one day,I'll run away from you.Run away from the thought of having a relationship.

This is my fairytale.I dun want to go back to reality.
Everything has been painted nicely.And I dun want to smudge it.

bleed+love

2005-07-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

I hate menstruation.
Gosh,I'm bleeding profusely.

Can I have you instead for my birthday?

I'm still in love with you.Crazily in love.

window shopping

2005-07-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have nothing much to say here except that I've been having weird dreams like being Harry Potter and seeing Ron get killed by Dumbledore and also dreams of punching Antony in the face.God knows why.But I think I know why.

Ahh...the school is so quiet now.The atmosphere is too refreshing.Frankly,I hope those JC1 students who went off to OBS wont come back.I dun care if they drown themselves or got lost in the forest or choked on the canned hotdogs.Whatever it is,I hope they dun come back.
But of coz,that's juz a tiny wish.They will come back again next week and the school will be polluted with noise once again.
Darn.

Went window-shopping with Zahra and Mamat yesterday to find my pants.Which unfortunately,I did not find any.The biggest size is 29cm and I cant even fit into it.lols.
I swear I will start wearing men's pants soon.
Ooh...the OP mini-skirt that Zahra and me tried on is damn cute.I love pink.

I love my life.

I think my Simple Plan cd is coming on its way.

dreams

2005-07-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

My Birthday(on National Day) wishlist:1)Mp3
2)Handphone
3)Digital cam
4)Huge teddy bear(not Winnie the Pooh coz I have one already)
5)My favourite T-shirt(ask me)
6)CDs-~~Simple Plan's~~,Black Eyed Peas',Gwen Stefani's,Brian McFadden's,HIlary Duff's,Eminem's(it's according to preference)
7)Seoul Garden treat
Yeah,maybe that's it.I'm a very simple person.
I think my friends are gonna buy me the Simple Plan's cd so dun buy that.

I had another weird dream again.Actually 2 weird dreams.
First one,I got lost in a hotel.It seemed that the hotel does not have a staircase or lift so I was kind of trapped.
Then someone saved me.God knows who.
Then I dreamt that I was playing touch rougby with my Antony,Daphne(yes,it's you if you're reading this) and some other ppl that I cant recall.
Before we played,I asked Antony,"What's touch rugby?Is it that rugby that guys play only that we have to touch it always?Then how do we pass to ppl?"
Daphne walked pass and laughed.Then Antony and me burst out laughing.
Then,I woke up.
Ah,weird dream it is.

I hate criticisms.Dun you dare try to bring me down.

pretend to be me

2005-07-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Ok,I'm definitely pissed off.Not affected,but juz plain pissed off by thier act of childishness.
It's ok if you want to pretend to be me.I know you have your insecurites.And you really want to be someone like me.I'm honoured.
But please,I beg you,if you really want to be me,you've got to try harder coz you dun sound like me.I never write like that.Oh boy,I can definitely see thru your stupidity.
What is it that you wrote?"I dun like minahs. Esp farhanah."
Well,first thing,you're wrong coz I dun hate farhanah.Never did,never will.
And yeah,I dun write like that.

Shud I say sumthing?I'm beginning to collect all the evidences that I cud give to Mr Ganesh.One thing you've got to know abt me is that I'm determined and I'm not stupid.Like you.
What do I think of what you ppl have done?Hmm,truthfully,I'm not angry even when I'm supposed to be.Coz seriously,I've got many other things to deal with.
But this is what I always tell ppl....dun ever mess with me.You wudnt want to see the bad side of me.
And yeah,the way you're acting reminds me of my 7-yr old brother.

I know I'm 18 and very mature.I dun act or play along with your game.
What I do is serious business.

I really want to say sumthing very very nasty and bad here.But oh wells,since there is no privacy here,(and I want it to be that way,so they'll read)i'll juz write in my other blog.
Btw,This blog will be closed soon.

good mood

2005-07-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

You act of stupidness has really given me and my friends a big laugh.
It's really brilliant actually,to show your artistic talents,even tho' you havent quite reach there yet.
It nice to know that you ppl actually took the effort to draw on the posters.
Very minah-ish act if I must say.
Can I add 'childish' too?I cant even remember when was the last time I did that.
Oh yeah,did I mention that I'm giving you guys a treat?Maybe a treat to enter Mr Ganesh's office...
Of coz,I happily told Mr Ganesh who did it.With a stroke of luck,I managed to get your CTG too from one of your friends.
God must really be on my side,dun you think?
You are so BUSTED.

My life is getting a bit better now.
I got the highest in class for my maths test for the first time in 2yrs and actually got good grades for it for the first time this year as I have always failed.

I also had a good cry yesterday reading Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince which was the 6th and latest book.I spend 4hours on it to finish the last few hundred pages of the book.
Ok,I cant say much about the big unexpected event that happened towards the end coz it'll juz spoil the surprise.
But what I can say is that it's nothing like what you expected.It's that kind of ending that makes you think,"Oh shit.Now what?"
Now that this event took place,I kind of feel like there's no more hope for Harry Potter.It's a very sad ending I must say but J.K Rowling did a fantastic ending.But given a choice,I wudnt want it to end that way.
It juz drives me mad not knowing what will happen after this.Seriously,I cant wait to get my hands on the last book.
I've read all the 6 books and I think this is the best of J.K Rowling's books.
About the "half-blood prince" thing,it wasnt who I thought it wud be.It was entirely a different person which made the whole story an unbelievable and breath-taking story.
So I suggest that those thinking of buying that book,should buy it NOW!

For Gp essay,I'm doing one of my favourite topics which is human cloning.That is definitely a good start.
I've once again immersed myself in my stained glass and it's getting addictive.
I dun even mind now that I'm getting cuts everytime and losing blood.
Had a good time arguing with mum yesterday too.She was being pure sarcastic which juz irritates me.But it was a pent out emotion for me and it felt good.

what cud be better that this?Despite everything that is happening ard me,I'm still in a good mood.I mean,I've handled worse cases and this minah episode is juz a snap of my fingers.I can definitely handle them.
Minahs are generally not that smart.

fucking honest

2005-07-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

I dun care and I dun bother.
You are juz like one of them.
hah.
What's up with that minah-ish language anyway?Sounds desperate.
I wonder if my minah cousin know how to speak minah language...she cud teach me.
*winks to eeeduh*

Seriously,it's my blog.
Which means,whatever I said is my business.
And it also means that no one is permitted to say things that I dun like.
Coz it's MY blog.

But thanks for the comments.I really appreciate it.
You know,ppl always say,if you're angry,you shud juz let it out.Dun keep it inside.
About the skirt thing,sorry but it's juz that I cant stand ppl who like to show off their fat legs.
It seriously turns me off.Oh yeah,it turns the guys off too.
So no hard feelings.
I'm juz being fucking honest.

B-dae coming

2005-07-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking.My b-dae is like exactly 21 days which is in 3 weeks' time,that is on National Day,believe it or not.
Which is sufficient time to get me a present if I should say.
hah.Yeah right.
I heard someone is going to buy me an Mp3.Well,I hope so.And the other is going to buy me a hp.
Who knows maybe it's a juz a joke right?
But yeah,watever it is,these are the things that I want:
1)Mp3
2)Handphone
3)Digital cam
4)Huge teddy bear(not Winnie the Pooh coz I have one already)
5)My favourite T-shirt(ask me)
6)CDs-Simple Plan's,Black Eyed Peas',Gwen Stefani's,Brian McFadden's,HIlary Duff's,Eminem's(it's according to preference)
7)Seoul Garden treat
Yeah,maybe that's it.I'm a very simple person.
hah,yeah right.
Anyway,that was a very big hint.

othniel + harry potter

2005-07-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...where should I start?

Friday.Right.
Had a great conversation with one of the art students who encouraged me to tell the truth to him.
I guess I will sometime this week,once I've found my guts that is.
I know,I'm making one of the biggest decisions of my life for the one that I love.
I know if I dun do this,I might juz regret it for the rest of my life.
But first,let me find my guts.

Saturday was the day that I'm supposed to go to Escape Theme Park with Yaminah.
And I stress "supposed"...coz I didnt go in the end due to mum's last minute decision of wanting me to follow her go Arab Street to choose my Hari Raya costume material.
I was definitely pissed off.I pon my art on saturday to go out with Yaminah.Now I guess I have to do it again next time ard to go out with her.
Then came the next blow.While I was trying to find my new skirt,I cudnt find it and mum said she lend it to her friend.
Yeah,thanks.my skirt.
My new bloody skirt.I told her the other day not to lend her new skirt to her friend coz she cud definitely buy her own.
Next thing I know,mum lend her my skirt.
I threw my self on my bed and start crying but mum juz ignored me.She kept saying its her skirt.Yeah,maybe it was her money we used but she bought it for me which goes without saying that it's my property right now.
Dun tell me her friend is so poor that she cant use 20 bucks to buy a skirt that she cud get anywhere.
I planned not to talk to mum but I did like 30min after that.

Sunday.Mum gave me money to buy my 6th Harry Potter book.She always does actually.I have all the first 5 books which I have already read at least 3 times.I've already finished reading half of the book yesterday.
Goodness,I cant wait for the final book next yr and the 4th movie this yr.
In the afternoon,I asked Othniel over for lunch.Mum cooks the best chicken rice ever.
Next time ard,he has to try my mum's chicken curry.
I'm gonna have a date with him next saturday to eat at Swensons.
Yippeee.
I love ice-cream.
Especially when it's free.
haha.

Conversation with mum

2005-07-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

Should I say that yesterday I had the most meaningful talk with mum?
Yes,probably.
So the fact is that I'm juz one of those teenagers who refused to share thier problems with thier mums.
But I guess the overwhelming anger sort of pushed me to blurt out my problem.
I told her all about the bloody art room and how the principal has made our life miserable all the way from day 1.
And then she said sumthing that made me want to hug her real tight.
I first told her what my art teacher had said,"I give you a scenario.A teacher decides to put a particular painting in the library.When the higher ppl comes in and doesnt like it,they'll go 'take that down.I dun like it.'"
And when she said that,I almost understood the whole situation.They have the power.They exercise their power.They do things thier way without having to have a reason.

When I told mum this,she said,"Ohhhh...I see...power.So that's it.If they have the power to do anything,well,the MOE have more power.Write a letter to the MOE.They wont ask you anything.Within one week,they'll come to YJC without informing and do spot checks.If what you say is true,your dear principal is fired."

Gosh,I never thought of that extreme.

So now I'm juz waiting for the JC1s.They said they wanted to write a petition to that old hag.If that doesnt work,I'm going to take action.I'm not going to sit down and let her do anything she wants.
I've had enough of her nonsense.
Mum suggested calling my cousin first.Currently,she works as a lecturer in NUS but she used to work as a member in the Ministry of Education.She was in charge of giving out messages and changes to schools.So she would know how to write a complaint to the MOE.

I daresay that I cant wait see that bitch get busted.
Now,it's my turn to ruin her life and career.
I dun mind getting recognised as the girl who brought the downfall of the principal of YJC in 2005.
I'll probably be remembered for a century.
*laughs*

Olg hag

2005-07-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Have you ever hated the school so much tt you feel like you want to shoot the Principal down?
Yes,I'm having one of those feelings right now.I cant stand that plastic smile she gives everyone while she directs ppl to change stuff that she isnt happy about.
God,you never understand us students,and now you pretend and assumed that you know what's best for us.
Well,let me tell you,you stupid old hag,we are the ones suffering because of the thoughtless changes you made.

You made us JC2 students take part in the cluster art test so that you can show off to the other schools how you have made us so talented in art.Well,let me tell you that we're totally busy ppl unlike you who goes ard doing ntg and juz making everyone as miserable as you.
Here we are trying to meet YOUR unrealistic deadline(not the A'levels') and you add more burden to us.
And today,you made the JC1 students shiff to our art room.For bloody sake you bitch,the art room is small and we need space to do our art coursework.WE dun need another 14 students to intrude into our privacy.
They have their own room,with AIR-CON,and computer and stuff.And we JC2s have the stuffy art workshop that might juz increase the chance of us dying from air clog.
YOu were only concern about your needs and wants,but you never understood the real situation here.You were only concerned about making the Digital Media LAb into a fully IT room without thinking of how the 19 of us is going to fit into a small workshop,bearing in mind that 6 of us need silence,space and privacy to work on our a'levels.

Let me refresh your mind you stupid sow.There is an art student running ard without getting caught of what she/he did to mei feng's art pieces not so long ago.Did you actually see mei feng's ruined art pieces?I doubt so.
There is now a JC1 art student who goes ard pouring red paint on ppl's work and you cant even catch him/her??
And now,you're letting that person roam ard in JC2's art room?
God,how thoughtless can you be?
I swear bitch,if anything happens to any one of our art work,I swear,I will punch you in the face and kill you off then.

No,dun suggest talking to her coz she'll put that fake smile on and tell us that they're doing what's right and what's best for us.
The VPs?Hah...one is too engrossed with his gay entertainment and the other is always no where to be seen.
I thought of the student counsellors but Joey said no coz they are the duplicates of the principal and VPs.They're too engrossed with thier posts and positions that they will never entertain with our concerns.Quite a number of them are too blinded by thier positions that they totally changed.

Forgive me,but YJC is like shit.

Gosh,another thing...Prom Night.
They're letting JC1 students to plan?
Hmm...I dun blame the JC1s.It's the JC2s' fault actually.
They're juz too ignorant and so full of themselves most of the time.
They said,they want this,they want that,but no effort is put in.
This attitude can also be seen within the class.The moment the bell rings,before I cud even explain to them about the prom night,3/4 of them took their bags and left.
Can you see this heck-care attitude?Or the no-respect-for-the-class-rep attitude?
I had to scream for them to come back but of coz,they didnt turn back.And some of them still had the cheeks to test my almost bursting patience.
So it turns out that only 7 is going out of 23.Wow,I see some class spirit here.
*rolls eyes*

So it turns out that I failed 3/4 of my subjects.Which is definitely not cool at this point of time.
Two of the subjects are juz plainly my fault coz I didnt put in the effort.
But the other one,it was juz plainly the teacher's fault.
Of coz,everyone cares abt thier results and stuff.
BUt that's not enuff dun you get it?
You've got to stand up and speak up.It's true you care and you want sumthing to be done,but you're juz sitting there.

If I study and I fail,and the teacher puts in effort,it's my fault.
If I study and I fail,and the teacher doesnt put in effort,it's the teacher's fault.
Let's say that you are in class A.Everyone failed except for 2.Class B is taught by another teacher.All the students passed.
What does it say?Is it your fault?Whether you put in more effort than other students doesnt matter coz you still cant cross that boundary to pass.

Maybe it's too late to change the teacher.But it wasnt a few months ago.But no one wants to make an effort to do sumthing.So if everyone is going to wait for everyone else,then it's fine with me.
I'll do what I can.For myself.
And you guys can just sit there and rot.
At this point of time,I'm not going to care abt everyone else.
I'm juz gonna be selfish and care only for myself.
This is life ppl.

I juz hate going to school nowadays facing the same disappointments and meeting more.
I'm not going to sit down and let other ppl step on me.
I'm not going to be like the way mum used to be.Letting dad step on her.
You mess with me,I'll knock your day lights out.

chocolates

2005-07-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a really tiring day for me.
It was the third time we did the wau.Even that wasnt that impressive.
But finally it's over.No more wasting my precious time doing wau from morning till late afternoon.
Cikgu Noraidah has been really nice to us.
On the actual competition of Wau designing,she bought us Timeout chocolate.Two weeks ago,she bought us ferro roche chocolates.Last weekend,she bought us early lunch(nasi sambal goreng) and a box of chocolates she bought in KL.
It's definitely worth working with her even tho' she's always not satisfied with wat we do.
I dun understand why ppl dun like her.Yeah,I mean I know quite a number of ppl who juz dont appreciate what she has done.
Now that I really get to work up close with her,I found out that she isnt that bad after all.
So plz stop talking badly about her.

I found out that I dun really care at all.
You do what you want and I do what I want.

My evil look-alike sister is really really u***.
I mean,what's up with that hairstyle?It's getting worst by the day.
She's like the first and probably the only gerl that turns me off.
She turns everyone off in fact.As Kai Lin puts it,she's a total "cow".
Goodness,she got to do sumthing.
And look at all her minah frens.Look at thier skirts.
It's like half of the length of my skirt.
Hello peeps?This is SCHOOL,not a fashion parade.
Goodness,I'm so embarrased to be a YJCian.

She so doesnt look like me.
*nods head*
And yeah,quit staring at me as if you juz saw your reflection moving in the opposite direction.
COz I'm not your reflection.
So there.

I took a long jog yesterday evening.It's such a tempting weather.The wind was cool.
Next time ard,my little 12-yr-old neighbour who's in track,wants to follow me.
It'll be cool.His 20-yr-old brother said he wants to jog too.
I seriously hope he's joking.

Watched The Haunting last night.It's a cool show I must say.
But it's kind of similar to a movie I watched.I think it's called The Haunted Mansion(or house).
The cool part got to be the presence of Owen WIlson.I so like his natural sense of humour.And his crooked nose actually makes him cute.
Catherine Zeta-Jones is super hot as usual I must say.

I hope I graduate fast.

Bang Bang

2005-07-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

Now he's gone I dont know why
Until this day,sometimes I cry
He didnt even say goodbye
He didnt take the time to lie

Bang bang,he shot me down
Bang bang,I hit the ground
Bang bang,that awful sound
Bang bang,my baby shot me down

Crap

2005-07-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

She is totally harshing my buzz.I cant stand it.
God,plz make me graduate.FAST.

I know you're reading my blog.
And that really pisses me off.Coz at this point of time,you have no reason or watsoever to read my blog...juz like me,who doesnt give a shit whether you exist or not.
Coz one thing you got to know is that your friends are MY friends too.

I think the school got to get down to business and shoot all those gerls who are wearing mini skirts to school.
It's really an eyesore.

I dunno why I'm so mad these days.
Maybe becoz I dun take anymore crap from anyone.
You make me pissed,I make you pissed.
I'm not going to sit down and keep quiet like I normallly do.

updates

2005-07-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Seriously,I cant be bothered with blogging anymore.I guess it's juz pure laziness.
But here are the updates...

Had the bloody chance to go up and talked to the whole school yesterday.woot-woot.
Did an 8min-long speech on the Inter-college Wau Design Competition which YJC got 1st place.I know it's ridiculously long but blame it on cikgu Noraidah.I was told to do a drama-like speech and I think I did a great job in capturing everyone's attention for 8mins.(normally,YJCians' concentration can only last 3min before thier minds are permanently shut down thru'out the assembly.)
And boy,am I juz so mad at Taufiq.So much for having a diarrhoea.Bullshit.I know he juz doesnt want to take his prize and spoilt the whole thing as we cudnt take pic.
And he was the one who wanted to join,provided only if we win sumthing and go on stage.
Haiz.

After that,I took an early leave form and went to court with mom.
Hmmm,it's kind of scary actually when they tell u to raise your right hand and swear.If any of the information given is added or minus,I'll be charged in court.
Aiyo.So troublesome.

All the teachers including the principle and VP are being so nice and understanding abt my situation.How sweet.
But guess wat?
I'm totally fine,really.

It was juz mom and me.After the court thingy,we sort of went shopping.She asked me to choose a pair of lovely slippers that has diamonds on it.I guess she was trying her best to make me feel better.Then I bought a nice pink handbag.
The experience was really refreshing since mom and I are not close and we always argued about practically everything.

Saw a couple of my darlings of northbrooks at northpoint.I miss them alot.
Saw Othniel the other day too and he talked to my mom.My mum asked him to call me whenever he's free.whahaha.Since when is she so concern about whether I have friends calling me or not?
I'm gonna ask him over to my house for lunch one day.He got to try my mum's cooking.

Contacted my darling girlfren,Yaminah,the other day and ended up making a date with her to go Escape Theme Park which will be my second time.woot-woot.
I cant wait to see cute guys.
Yum-yum.
oh,yeah,and go into the Haunted House and have a good laugh.

Did alot of thinking during the weekends.Thinking about what I treasure and regret most.And it comes down to the same thing.
WAN.
The name still haunts my mind even one year has passed.
I know,no matter what,I cant accept anyone else.My heart is shut tight in the sense that I will never want to be in a relationship or love anyone as much.
Yes,I admit to those who knew about Wan,I still think of him all the time.And there's this tiny hope in me that he will come back.But he wont.
Call me stupid or stubborn,but I'm aware of how he treated me.But when you love someone with your heart and soul,you bind him to your heart and no one can change that fact.
I'm sorry.I'm sorry to myself.I'm sorry to those who helped me forget abt him.
I'm totally screwed.I hope one day,someone,a guy out there,is able to change my mind and my life.

My block tests results are a disgracing shit.
As usual,I failed miserably.Maybe,the problems I'm having now are affecting me more than I thought.

Watched the opening ceremony of the 117th IOC last night.Two of my cousins,Zaki and Eboy,took part in it.I saw Eboy on tv,looking so handsome and cute and ugly all at the same time.But I didnt see Zaki,the one who shud have been my brother rather than my cousin coz he looked so much like me compared to his sister,Snazzie.
I think the opening ceremony was a disgrace.The dance and all were utter rubbish.This is one of those times that I'm not proud to be a singaporean.

I lived a life and dreamed a dream and loved the life you lived with me.
In a whisper of a breath,you left.
And then I died a death.

Green pigeon

2005-06-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

I.have.to.pass.my.maths.
I have to.But at this point of time,I can juz kiss that hope bye-bye.
Who ever set that ridiculously hard paper?

Hurrays.Tmr is my last paper.
My art prep work is not done yet and the colours I'm trying to get isnt coming out.
Darn.It's gonna be a long night.

Bought some last minute art supplies at Taka in the morning.
I'm so in love with "Art.Friend."They have absolutely everything I need there.
I bought some pastels and an art folder.
The price?Over my budget as usual.40 bucks gone like that.
I'm so like coming again when I save up my money.

In Ing is gonna give me that green pigeon that the school attendent found at the staircase.
She's gonna buy the cage and let her buddy draw the bird first,then she'll give it to me.
Meanwhile,I'm gonna ask my mum's permission.Surely she'll say yes.
She said yes to a pet hamster so she'll say yes to to a pet pigeon.
I know pigeons are considered to be ugly and dirty wiith lots of diseases.
But this is the kind that you can keep.
omg.That bird is so cute.
Mum will definitely have to say yes.
If she doesnt,I'll give it to my uncle who has a few pet birds.
And he stays so near.So I can see my pigeon when I want to.
This is really superb.

friend cum cheap

2005-06-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

Does she have to wear that?No,I dun supposed so.
Well,I shudnt giv a fark about her any more than I shud.

It's nice to finally track down one of my best buddies and make him talk.
I mean we only stay a few blocks away and I barely see him.
Gosh,Othniel,you've got to start being true to your words and call me you moron.
You know,I'm always looking out for you at the street soccer court but you're not there.
Anyway dude,thanks for the chat.

You know,I'm still shock at what I heard.I mean,she's my friend.(or was)
I treated her like a sister,someone who is so religious.She was the one who goes ard telling ppl off for plucking eyebrows and flirting with guys.She wears a tudung.She doesnt wear skirts.
And I respect her for that.

Well,not anymore.
I'm not disgusted by the fact that she doesnt love herself,her body anymore.
I'm juz so sad.So sad that she isnt herself.All those things that she was against,that she adviced ppl not to do,she does those very same things now.
She pluck her eyebrows.She doesnt wear tudung anymore.
And she's not a virgin anymore.
Gosh,gerl,what are you turning into?And you are so proud to tell ppl what you do to those guys.Aren't you the least bit embarrased?

She's from a nice family.A real nice family.Not the broken kind of family.
I wudnt want to know how her parents might feel if they knew.
You are such a disappointment to all of us.

Just because no guys in northbrooks wants you,that doesnt mean you have to be desperate and go ard letting guys stuff thier dicks into your pussy after you graduate.
That is so cheap gerl.
And wat?You did it in the office?
Yeah,very cheap indeed.Cant wait huh?

Gosh,why am I surrounded by these ppl who juz dun love thier bodies?
This is like my third encounter.
The first one was when I first step into northbrooks and there was this gerl who came up to me to let me know that she is no longer a virgin and gave me her diary to read.It was all about her sex life.That was sick man.
The second encounter was in my third yr.(sec 3)My very own friend told me proudly that she had sex.With like 2 or 3 guys already.Different guys.
And now,her.My so called sister.She turned from one person to the other.

You know what?I dun care about you anymore.I dun want to talk to you.I dun want to have anything to do with you.I dun want to hear about your sex life from other ppl anymore.I dun want to hear about how horny you are.
And get this straight.I never flirt with those guys in our school.You were the one who was flirting.You were juz plain jealous of me becoz all those guys talked to me and not you.
And I will never be as cheap as you.
You are no longer on the list of ppl that deserve my respect.
You have stepped so low.

And dun ever call me your friend.
Coz I'm too embarrased to be called one.

Post holiday

2005-06-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

Hmm....let's juz say that I've been a good gerl this year.I did abit of studying and I stayed home thruout the whole holiday,which can get pretty boring I must say.
I didnt party hard like last december with Snazzie and coming home only after 3am.
I didnt have any sleepovers at her house.I didnt go for a holiday.
Omg.I cant believe I'm still alive even without all of that.
Thumbs-up zurah.

Gp was definitely sucky.
Why cant they ever give me a chance to finish my AQ?

It's has only been a few hours of school today and my mood is ruined.
So ruined.
I dun understand her.
Does it make her happier to look a little bit more like me?
No,I'm not talking abt that fat gerl who look like me.
Why does she have to wear that???
Why?!Tell me.I dun hate her,I dun dislike her.I juz dun want to have anything to do with her.I dun want to look like her and I dun want her to look like me.
Is that so hard....

Thanks Idah for the photos.I love you lots.

It's weird and scary when you have re-occuring dreams.
I've been having the same dream over and over again lately which made me feel so tired and sleepy even tho' I have 9 hours of sleep everyday.
You see,I wonder.....what it means when you dream that you're somewhere very small and crampy and you just want to turn ard and get out but you cant.
And I ended up tossing right and left in bed every few minutes.
My instincts are telling me that I'll be in a tight position soon.
Haiz,I think I know what it is.
I dun really care,I only want a good night's sleep.

Forgive me,but I miss him alot.

Speaking of him,I think the guys on Manhunt are damn gorgeous and hot.
Bet no one in Singapore can beat them.
I'm so in love with Kevin(even tho' he's an asshole) and Hunter(who is juz utterly cute).
*drools*

Hiatus

2005-06-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going hiatus for a week.
I mean,a gerl got to study right?You cant expect me to blog every single day.
So yeah,I'll probably be back blogging when school reopens.
Take care everyone.
For those in YJC,study hard.

Bags+photos

2005-06-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah,yeah.I know,I know.
Did you hear that bullshit about the incest puppies?God,I told her a thousand damn times that the dogs aren't fucking related and that even if they were,who gives a shit?They're fucking dogs dude,and her whining abt it was totally harshing my buzz.And then she started crying again and shit dude,I just could not take it anymore.So I hit her with a wooden pole.Maybe this will keep her busy for awhile so that I can take off to Las Vegas with my gerls.
[Big ups!Yeah yeah!]

I have 2 new bags to add up to the collection of my already overflowing cupboard with bags.
*counting*
That would be 11 bags altogether plus 2 or 3 other unused bags that I feel too sorry to throw away.
This pinky bag has 2 ways of wearing it.

Oooh...I absolutely luv this cute bag.

I took lots and lots of photos of my siblings and also myself.(Well,I juz wanted to get the feel of being narcissistic)
*Bro(7),me,Sis(8+)*

*getting ready for bed*

*Sis and bro posing with my Winnie the Pooh*

*The Screwed up faces*

*His dream is to become a hiphop.ooohh...isnt he adorable?*

*Psst...he's my pet.Dun tell my sis*

*That's bro playing on his new spiderman playstation thingy*

*sis,bro and my little niece all squeezed in my room*

*my pet hamster,Didi who refused to take photo.I had to wrestled with him for 20min*

Ahhhh...the beauty(or the beast?)

brit

2005-06-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

Look, Brit, there are some things so easy that even a female Ralph Wiggum like yourself can figure them out. Like underpants. THEY GO UNDER THINGS. Like, say, YOUR PANTS. Underwear is not meant to wrap around your thigh -- it's meant to leave something about your pubic grooming to the imagination -- and it's not meant as a protective measure so that you can wear fugly loose-fitting clothes that fall off your soiled ass, yet not worry about the paparazzi snapping a picture of your (wilted, dying) flower. And see those seams halfway down your shirt? Those are supposed to be BELOW your breasts, not riding so far up above one of them that you're fixin' to get put into some kind of cotton chokehold.

Finally, for the love of god, BRUSH YOUR HAIR.

That is all.

For now.

No..wait...another thing.
we LOVE Britney Spears. We love dancing around to her peppy pop music whilst singing into hairbrushes and wiggling our firm and well-shaped underwear-clad asses, we love making fun of her acting skillz in Crossroads, and we love, love, love witnessing her current downward spiral.

Who would have guessed that sweet little Britters would end up engaged to a manpri-wearing, jaunty-trucker-hat-sporting, skeevy David Silver look-a-like back-up dancer? It's fantastic! Less fantastic is her slide into the fug: the Cheetos addiction, her apparent distain for hair product, the way she seemingly has stopped washing her face. This is a cry for help far more serious than her impending marriage to Cletus. I mean, look at her:

Yjc

2005-06-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

My nose is twitching.I'm sneezing every 5 min.My forehead is hot.
This is so not what I want right now.
But I'll get better soon.On my own.No more doctors.
I shall not burden my mum with another visit to the clinic ,for the third time in one and a half months.
And I think this is a good ~~excuse~~,no..."reason" too take a break from studeis.

Have you ever felt like you want to right something that's wrong?Something that you shudnt complain but you just want to?
Right now,I feel like complaining abt the leadership camps we have in YJC which is a total crap.Hell,I've attended more than once and I'm in a position to make comments.

What's the aim of these leadership camps?To ensure that you have leadership qualities so that you are prepared to take on your role as a CT rep like me,or a student counsellor or simply a treasurer.
So they said.
And I find it dumb and useless.
Coz what you do is to play some dumb stupid games and write down the qualities that make up a leader.
Now tell me,what do you expect to gain from this?
Just by playing games,it cant make you a leader in a snap.If you think carefully,the ppl who are organising these camps are going to benefit more coz they're the ones managing these group of students who supposed to become student leaders after the camp.
It kind of makes you think that the smart are getting smarters and the dumbbs are getting dumber.
Clearly,you can see that these leadership camps are just a waste of time.I didnt know whether to laugh or cry when I see a bunch of JC1 students running around,following thier leaders.
You dun learn anything seriously except for the fact that you learnt new games,to add up to your knowledge space,and it's gonna end up being buried deep down in your memory by the end of this year.

Coz by the end of last year,I forgot all the riidiculous games I played and I start questioning myself,"What's with the leadership camps?"
An excellent idea would be to allow these wannabe leaders to manage a group of students,and this wud bring out their leadership qualities naturally.As a challenge,let them organise an activity for the primary school kids and manage these kids themselves.Let them get the feel of it.
I guarantee,by the time they finished,they wud think that managing their own friends would be a snap of thier fingers.

I seriously think YJC is crap.I mean YJC is a nice packkage from the outside.Good academic results,blah-blah.But when you become a member of this school,you start noticing all the "cracks".
I dun think I'll be coming back to visit the school after my graduation.To visit certain friends,yes,mabye for a yr till they graduate.After that,nah....I wont be.

My class has to go for this learning journey months ago.But becoz everyone cared abt thier personal stuff more,it kept being postponed.I kind of envy class 219 who made such a quick decision to decide the place and date of thier learning journey.My classmates kept asking me abt the learning journey as if it was my fault that we didnt have one.I mean,come on,everytime I suggested a date,some idiots cant go becoz of this and that.When I suggested another date,another bunch of idiots cant go.Then,everyone wud stop talking abt it.When they remember it,they asked me again as if I forgot to mention abt it.Then,we start all over again.

I'm getting sick of this attitude problem.If I take charge and start forcing everyone,no one's gona be happy.If I do the opposite,then ntg will be done.
If I had known that managing a group of stubborn teenagers is gonna be this hard,I wudnt even bother being the chairman.
I GIVE UP.

It wasnt so bad last yr.We were almost united.For most of the things concerning us,we decide on them as a class.
Sadly,we got separated this yr.Some were retained,some joined other classes,some left for poly.The problem we have now arised probably becoz of the new members we have.It's juz so hard to make a decision when everyone only cared abt thier social lives.
And imagine a chairman being teased and bullied every single day and no one gives a shit that she's trying real hard to make everyone united and respect her for who she is.
As I mentioned before,no one appreciates the things I've done.

My art coursework

2005-06-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sure lots of ppl are wondering what I'm up to these days.
Well,art of course,which takes up most of my time.
Here is a sneak preview of what I'm doing.

That's how I normally cut myslf and almost bleed to death.heh.

After that,I've got to match the pieces like jigsaw puzzle.

My art coursework....abt 2/5 is done which is 1/2 of the overall coz I've got 2 other smalll pieces to do.

boys+sick

2005-06-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I'm crushed.But I guess,what my CJC friend,Shima,said is true.
He's not worth it.What he needs to learn is to grow up and be a man and act like the guy his age.And I think he has a long way to go.

I'm getting sick as usual.Mum is pissed.
Too much workload makes me sick.
I need to put aside this sickness and get back on track.I'm losing concentration here.

Pink.I guess that's favourite colour oof my cousin,Zahra.
Erm,hello?!Since when are you into pink?What's up with the pink room man?!
You never liked pink.You used to tease me coz everything abt me is pink.
And now look at you.God,you never change.You're such a copycat.

Oh Radzi,you're so,so sweet.How I wish my aries boy was more like you...

many things

2005-06-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I need to lose weight.I need to lose weight.I need to lose weight.
*chants*

I think LOST is stupid.There's ntg scary abt it except a polar bear which got stranded in an island instead of being at the north pole.
And the polar bear only appeared like 90mins after the show started.
*rolls eyes*

Today is my official last day of school.
But still,I've got to come to sch next week to do my stained glass.

Today,fiQ will be coming back from OBS.Yippeee.....
I seriously need help from him.lols.

Heard that my Antony has gone bald.
Ouch.

I want to party like there's no tomorrow.
Bring it on man.

Radzi.Hope you have finished your presentation.Coz I want to disturb you.
This time,you've got to give your full attention to me.

Abt 5 seconds ago,3 JC1 girls,right beside me,using the comp,asked each other,
"Did Antony really kissed Cleopatra?"
Erm....like hello?I'm right here,sitting beside you fools and you dare ask such question?
I dunno whether to laugh or get mad.

Still loving you.....

Gossips

2005-06-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

I cant wait for the time when you'll be out of my life.
Out of our lives.

I cant wait for graduation.I'm having a horrible time in YJC.Thinking back,maybe I've made the wrong decision.With my 14 pts for o'levels,I cud have done so much better in other colleges.

My diet isnt working too well what with the unhealthy food I've been taking lately.Due to mum's busy schedule,I often find myself sitting at a coffeeshop,eating like there's no tomorrow.

Aggression.Fear.Revenge.Jealousy.Popularity.Cliques.
That's the way girls survive.Because girls are taught that expressing anger directly is wrong,many have no choice but to resort to secret acts of meanness.They project an image of themselves that others think is "fake".That's why most of my friends are guys.(and that's probably why it's so hard to find a bf)Guys dun stab you in the back.With guys,there is no drama.It's less complicated.

Gossip is easily spread ard,especially in YJc becoz it's so small.You have to be careful what you tell and whom you tell.I suggest not telling any deep dark secrets to your buddies,because even if you dun want to believe it,it's gonna spread across the school.In many cases,one fact is somehow twisted into this forty-minute story on something that was a simple one sentence thing.So try not to tell too many ppl about your secrets,cause the next thing you know,everyone's gonna be staring at you and whispering.

Oh,I've been there,right in the heart of the gossips.The reason for why girls gossip is that they need something to talk about,to use against you,to brag about,to tell on you and so forth.They tend to be nice to you,then turn around and start talking about you.They dun seem to notice that the person can see or hear them.It's especially annoying when ppl turn to someone,whisper in their ear,stare at you while doing so and to top it up,they smile at you stupidly.
That really annoys me.

Then,there are ppl who openly express their hate.Like refusing to believe that I'm not invisible,that I'm walking right pass them.Oooh...they do all sorts of things;making sure their friends doesnt smile or look at me unnecessarily,deleting all connections like msn,friendster and blogs.They want to wipe you off completely from their memory and sight.

Another type is those who just cant take thier eyes off you.They stare and stare,hoping to shoot some lazer with their eyes.It's either I'm too ugly or too hot.Seriously,instead of just staring,why not take a picture as well?

Then,there are ppl who hide behind "curtains" to swear at me.Call me a bitch,a slut,a cheap whore....yeah,blah-blah,heard that one already.Tell me something new really.
It's these kind of ppl that I feel sorry the most.They're just using another person as a scapegoat to lash out all of thier insecurities on.

I admit,my feelings are easily hurt,though I often dun show it.I'm not depressed or anything,just easily offended.Though many ppl dun seem to understand it,I know what they say about me,I know when they whisper abt me behind my back.I mean,when you whisper in someone's ear,and both of them are staring at you,it's a little obvious you know.

I know who thinks what of me.It cud be my looks,my bitchiness,the attention I get,my personality or simply my existence that irritates you.
I've always been nice to ppl,even to the ones that openly express their loathing for me.Some ppl just dun understand me.That doesnt bother me.It doesnt bother me that ppl talk abt me since I became cleopatra,or that I'm popular or not popular,or that I'm misunderstood.It jus bothers me that some ppl dun recognize what I do for them even though they treat me like dirt.

Just to make you happy.

2005-06-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

This must be a dream because you are here,in front of me.You are talking,talking so sweet and gentle;but whom are you talking to?To me?Really?Wow!Not many people talk to me,really.At least,not many people like you.You're perfect,you see,and I am full of flaws.You are everything a girl could dream of,and I am just one of those girls.Yet,you're talking to me;but why?I just dont understand.You have never talked to me in that way.You wont hear me complaining.I am lost in your deep,melting eyes.Everything is so real,but how can it be?

I know you must be telling me something simple,like,I am in your way.Strangely,I hear no words coming from your mouth.I'm staring,but I cant help it.We've made eye contact and I want to devote my life to not breaking it.I still cant believe it!You've never given me so much as a passing glance and now you are actually saying words to me.No,not just words,sentences!I listen to your voice that flows like honey,but it seems you are speaking a foreign language.

What are you saying?I come back to reality just in time to hear you say,"...over."Excuse me?What did you say?Why are you giving me that look?Oh,please dont,it breaks my heart.You unhappily repeat what you said.You want me to move over so you can sit by your friends.Of course!I would do anything for you.
Just to make you happy.

*zuRah*

Using me

2005-06-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

It is funny how in all the days,weeks,and years in our lifetimes that flee before our eyes,certain memories cannot evade our grasp and continue to live on in our hearts forever.Sometimes,it takes the wounded heart years to heal from the inflicted pain,but for some,those scars can leave a permanent mark that can never be erased.
I can still feel fierce twinges of pain when I reflect upon my experiences in love,friendship and family that I had before.For a while,I tried to forget,but once you have been cut as deeply as I have,the pain cannot just dissipate,for it has been branded into my heart,and will forever continue to leave a lasting impact on my life.

The only reason I subjected myself to this torment was because when I was with any one of my friends 'alone',she or he would treat me like a true friend would.To compensate for my feelings of loneliness and isolation,I tried to include myself into their conversations and act interested in their stories so that I would be included too.Even when they did include me in their activities,I still felt left out because they would all stick together and make me feel like an outsider.I'll admit they succeeded in taking away a great deal of my self-esteem.I guess they got much entertainment out of paining me and literally tearing me apart.

Perhaps it was because I was a good student,or because I was cleopatra,or because I was a kind,unassuming person,but for whatever reason,I became the victime of the group.Because of this false sense of camaraderie,I allowed myself to believe that they really want me as a friend.If only I had known that deep down they were just using me as a scapegoat to lash out all of their insecurities on,then maybe I could have saved myself a lot sooner.

Because it was virtually many against one,I felt helpless.I have no allies to back me up,so I have to continue to play the role of the victim.If I would've had one person to back me up,I would have felt stronger and more assertive.I knew that if I tried to fight back,I would just be further ridiculed.

In a funny way,my harsh experience has liberated me.It gave me character and enough courage to stand up for what I believe in.I will never allow myself to become a victim for as long as I live.I have learned that sometimes negative experiences can have positive outcomes.They provide us with the courage to go on through adversity and equip us with the strength and perseverance.In a way I am thankful that I was faced with such a negative situation becoz the same gerls who sought to destroy my spirit actually succeeded in making me the empowered person that I am today.Although I will always harbor memories of that painful time in my heart,I can walk taller each day knowing that I am stronger becoz of it.No one can take that away from me.

I dun want to do the dirty work anymore.Who gives a fark if I'm the Ct rep?You bloody well cant use me.You guys come to me for printing stuffs that is not my area and presenting qns.Every dirty work that you dun want to do,you dump it on me.Other than that,you ignored me,or pretended I wasnt there or use me as an outlet to make fun of ppl.I've had enuff of "cleaning pathways" for you ppl to make your life easier.Why dun you start appreciating me for who I am or at the very least,help yourselves to bond with everyone?No more "I dunno","I dun care","Anything","Ask CT rep" or the silent treatment.Start contributing you pigs.

I shudnt be Ms Nice anymore.
It's time to be a full-time mean-bitchy gerl.

Radzi is one of the few guy friends that never fails to make me laugh.It was great talking to him after so long.I guess,when I'm engrossed in my own life,I tend to forget the little pieces of puzzle that make up my life: my true friends.
Missing his teasing is a definite yes.Missing standing close to him and dancing is another thing.

Mum and I had a chance to bond yesterday when we were goofing ard with makeup.We gave each other tips on using makeup and then we tried on her face.I even tried this ugly pink lipstick that she juz bought and we had a good laugh.
Oh mum,I didnt realized you are so gorgeous.Even at 46,you shine and glow like you're 30.

Oh dad,you drive me mad.You drive everyone mad.Stop bullshitting and admit your mistakes.I hate liars.Especially those who tell tall tales.
I hope you go to hell.

I need a hug.A long big hug.
From anyone who cares.

Sundays=boring

2005-06-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

I hate sundays.Sundays are meant to do last minute studying and homework-racing.
blearh~
Maths today was sucky.What's up with the Poisson and binomial distribution thingy??
I do not understand these mathematicians.

Finally,after much debating and contacting ppl like taufiQ and marina for advice,and then contacting the cjc gerl,I was one step further.
Finally,I got my cute CJC guy's number.Was it juz me or did his voice reli sounded very heart-melting?
Maybe,it's juz me.
I guess fiQ is right.For once.
If I'm still waiting for my Aries boy,it doesnt hurt to have crushes and getting to know more guys in the meantime.
Haiz,I think he's damn cute.Very tall,fair,an atheletic and cute.Very much like my kind of guy.
*smiles*

Watched Jeepers Creepers last night.It's really draggy.Most of the time,they're talking and driving on the same bloody lane.The guy is not cute.The gerl is not pretty.So there was no reason to watch.But I watched.
Hmm,I think I like the song...something like,"jeepers creepers....dun let the boogeyman get you...the boogeyman..."

Wau competition

2005-06-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Wau competition.
Something that I refused to talk abt unnecessarily.
Now,I juz want to mention abt it very few minutes.lols.

I think what ever has happened was totally worth it.
Even taufiQ's blood.Ahhh...that silly boy who never listened to me.
I told you not to cut like that...."Be careful or you'll cut yourself".
5 seconds later,you did exactly what I feared.
I swear I've never seen so much blood(or anyone stupider).
The blood from his hands was spilling and dripping evreywhere all the way to the toilet.
But he was cool.I think I look more frantic and looked paler than him.

For the past 2 days,I've been going home late to do the design.
Today,taufiQ,marina,Nisa and I dragged our sleepy heads to CJC for the Wau competition.
My god,the school is damn ulu.Reminds me of a jungle.The school is in the middle of...nowhere.The plus point is that,it's so big.Makes YJC like a HDB flat compared to a bungalow.
WE did batik painting on a piece of paper which is definitely a plus point for us.With limited time we managed to do our best.I was hoping for a 3rd place but God is too kind.
We got 1st!!!
We were practically shouting and grinning from ear to ear.
It was worth it.Our kite is fantastic.
But....it's home now is in CJC.So sadly,we have to do another one to keep in YJC.
I dun mind.
We got a cert,voucher each and trophy for the school.
That leaves a big smile on my face.

Another thing,I had to come back to YJC to do art after that.
Hmmm...I bet the principal will be so HAPPY that we won 1st.
Haiz,the key to that woman's heart is to win somthing to "angkat the school".

Saw a cute guy at CJC.He was the one who video cam us.
he is damn cute.
*sigh*
Ms Lee and Joey have left for New Zealand last night without me.
But I'm so glad mum didnt allow me to go.
I have so much to do right now.More like catching up with things.
I told Joey already to buy me something and to bring home a cute guy.
That silly gerl even brought my photo along.haha.Thanks babe.

The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.